The Light of Winter
by GryffinPuffKL4
Summary: Four years ago Felicity Smoak was presumed dead. In truth, Felicity had been taken by HYDRA and turned into someone she didn't recognize. But a year into her capture she met a man, lost and even more alone than she was, who would become her comfort in HYDRA's shadow and she would become his light. And they will do anything necessary to save each other.
1. Preface

**_Author's Note:_ Hey guys! This is my first fanfic, so excited! Hope you enjoy! I'm a die-hard Olicity fan but I thought Bucky/Felicity would be an interesting pairing to try out. Please review! So without further ado...**

 **I don't own the Avengers, Marvel, DC, or Arrow.**

* * *

 ** _The Light of Winter_**

 _Preface_

CRASH.

It's not unusual when you have a one and five year old child for things to break around the house. What was unusual about the crash heard on this February day in 2010 by Laura Barton was that it came from her husband's office. Her husband's office locked from her children. She turns off the stove and runs to the office, intending to rush inside. But when she opens the door she stops in her tracks at what she sees. Her husband, Clint Barton, is on the floor sobbing into his hands- a crushed cell phone and broken chair beside him. In their ten years of marriage she has never seen her husband shed more than a few tears.

"Oh my god." Laura runs to her husband and sits beside him- wrapping her arms around him. For a while she just holds her husband as he continues to sob. When his tears eventually run out she pulls back and asks, "What is it? What happened, Clint?"

"Felicity. Sh-she's…dead. She's dead, Laura."

Laura Barton stares at her husband in shock for a moment before her mind allows his words to register and she wraps her arms around Clint again- this time her own tears streaming down her face. How could the 19- almost 20- year old girl they saw only two months ago be dead? How could the girl who was building an engine with her son and told stories to her daughter be dead? How could the girl who has become a beloved little sister- her husband's favorite cousin- be _dead_? Gone?

"H-how? How is that even p-possible?" Clint pulls away from her and takes a few steadying breaths.

"She and Cooper…they-they were arrested by the FBI. Cooper wiped a bunch of school loans with a virus Felicity created. Donna went to visit her and demand bail but when she- when she got there they informed her there was a fire in the prison…they were both in there."

"Why was Felicity even in jail if Cooper was the one who did something illegal?!"

"Because she created it. Even if she never meant for it to be used for something like that…it was. Cooper apparently tried saying he created it but Felicity…" Laura smiles through her tears. While Felicity occasionally came across as a moody, angsty teen, she truly has one of the best hearts Laura has ever known.

"She wouldn't let him take the fall for it completely. Even if it wouldn't do him much good, she'd tell the truth if it would help even a little bit. That's who she is."

"Was, Laura. She's…" Clint stops speaking and puts a hand over his eyes; tears beginning to form again. "She and Donna were all I had and now she's _gone_. Ever since she was a little kid she wasn't just my little cousin. Felicity was like my kid sister, Laura. She's my little kid sister and now she's…"

"I know. You don't need to tell me what she means to you; I know it. She was a sister to me too." Laura hesitates. "When's the funeral?" He sighs.

"I don't know. I didn't talk to Donna. She's not…she's not going to be alright…I'm not sure if she'll be the one planning the funeral."

"Then who did you just-?"

"-Quentin Lance. He's the father of Felicity's best friend. Donna's staying with them at the moment- they didn't want her to be alone. She…she wasn't supposed to go before us, Laur."

"I know. She was always the survivor who came out stronger and happier than was possible. We just have to believe that wherever she is now, she's happy there too."

 _*It'll be four years until Laura Barton finds out how wrong she was.*_


	2. Chapter 1: Escaping

**AN: WARNING! THIS HAS ADULT THEMES! There isn't anything really graphic here or will there be in future chapters but this is where the M rating first comes in because it deals with non-consensual sex. Read author's note at end for a bit about this story. Please review!**

 **(The song in here is Prayer by Celine Dion. I got the Russian from google translate- sorry if any of it is wrong.)**

 **I do not own Marvel, DC, Avengers, or Arrow.**

* * *

 _Chapter 1: Escaping_

(February 8th, 2014- Felicity's POV)

The crackling always interests me for some reason. As a prisoner there isn't exactly much to do when I'm alone in my room so usually I make up stories in my head or sing or come up with ideas for inventions I'll probably never have the chance to create. But after the abilities these latest experiments gave me and the control I've gained, I like to play with the blue/white electricity I can create. And for some reason- maybe I've finally started losing my mind; it wouldn't surprise me- the crackling sound always fascinates me.

There's a groan from the door and it opens to reveal two figures. A man with chin-length dark hair, icy eyes, and a roughly-shaven strong jaw enters my room with a guard. I don't smile- I hardly ever smile anymore- but I lift my lips a little.

"Jimmy."

The man, as usual, doesn't say anything. The guard, as usual, doesn't either; he simply closes the door, locks it, and leaves us alone. There's no doubt in my mind though that they're watching this somehow. They're always watching. The man I've dubbed "Jimmy" doesn't say anything (he rarely speaks right away when he visits), but he walks to me and sits beside me on my bed. Most of the time I'll start talking but today I decide to just wait.

I've been their goddamn captive for four years. I wouldn't know that except once one of the guards left a newspaper near me and I saw the date December 2, 2012. It's been 429 days since then; I've recorded it with scratches under my bed. Eleven months' worth of them involved experiments and tests with the pointy-glowy-scepter-thing they somehow got their hands on 16 months ago. That's part of how I became whatever I am now. It's also how I ended up blonde for some reason. I'm the only one I know to have survived the experiments- if there are others I haven't crossed paths with them. Cooper died in the first ones; the ones before the scepter. That was the end of the first year or so that we were prisoners and it was around then that Jimmy heard me and forced the guard to let him enter.

For so long when Jimmy visited me he wouldn't say more than a few words or even sit beside me. He would just sit or stand by the door watching and listening to me. Now it's still me doing most of the talking but he'll ask questions, answer a few of his own, and make a couple comments. But no matter how many times I would ask his name he either wouldn't answer at all or would just say "Asset". Well, "Asset" wasn't going to fly with me especially since he kept coming back- and more frequently too- so "Jimmy" it became. I really don't know why I chose Jimmy of all names. It was just the first name that came to my head.

Over the years I've figured out exactly who Jimmy is- or _was_ \- but since he doesn't even know who he was, it seems pointless to call him by any of those names. So it's funny that the name I'd chosen for him at random is a nickname for his real name: James. James Buchanan Barnes. Or as most of the world remembers him; Bucky Barnes. I'm probably the only one in the world who knows and actually _cares_ that Captain America's best friend is alive. So many days blur together but that one- the first day we met- has stuck with me if only for the fact that something new happened and not bad-new. On the days I'm free to be in my room I'll often sing under my breath to fill the silence and that's what I was doing that day. It's why he came in to begin with…

 _"I pray you'll be our eyes…and watch us were we go…"_

 _The lyrics fall from my lips easily- it's a song I've sang and heard hundreds of times. My mom sang it to me, I sang it to Casey and Lila, it's a go-to shower song when nothing else comes to mind, and I've sung it a lot since being taken by HYDRA. Then again, I sing everything a lot since I've got nothing better to do._

 _"And help us to be wise…" I hear guards passing my room but I know I'm singing too quietly for them to hear so I continue: "in times when we don't know…"_

 _"Стоп. Кто она"_ ("Stop. Who is she?") _I recognize the Russian spoken by most of the HYDRA agents here so I immediately stop singing and glance nervously to my door._

 _"Заключенный. Приехать," says a new voice._ ("Prisoner. Come.") _There's a hesitation, then the first speaker again:_

 _"Я буду видеть ее в первую очередь."_ ("I will see her first.")

 _"Она полезна. Она не может быть больно." Another new voice._ ("She's useful. She can't be hurt.")

 _"Она не будет."_ ("She won't be.")

 _Though I can't see whoever's speaking, those last words are quiet but forceful so it sounds like a promise or something. Then, to my horror, the door opens. Please don't say they moved up my 'treatment'…_

 _Luckily, that fear goes out the window when three people I've never seen before enter. The doctor isn't with them and he's_ always _with the guards who come to get me. Instead there are two guards who, from their uniforms, I recognize as guards for the HYDRA agents who are involved in the "Special Projects". The third man, though, is the reason that I'm absolutely sure this has nothing to do with my treatments. His dark hair is scraggly and chin-length and his eyes are hard like ice. His jaw is strong and squared and…one of his arms…it's made of metal…_

 _"Пойте, Annie," says the man with the metal arm._ ("Sing, Annie.")

 _"Wha- I…" I swallow thickly and look between them. "I don't speak Russian…"_

 _"He said 'sing, Annie'," says the guard to the left._

 _I frown- who's Annie?- but nod in agreement. Of all the things I've been ordered or forced to do by the people here, I couldn't be happier to sing. So I take a breath and start where I left off a bit louder:_

 _"Let this be our prayer...when we lose our way…" The guards look a little surprised when I start singing so I know that it's only the strange metal-armed man who heard me- the man who looks at me as if he's confused._

 _"Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace…" The unwavering, probing stare and cold eyes begin to make me nervous so I look down at my hands. "To a place where we'll be safe…" I hear one of the men move forward a bit but I don't look up. "I pray we'll find your light…and hold it in our hearts. When stars go out each night…remind us where you are. Let this be our prayer…when shadows fill our day. Lead us to a place…guide us with your grace…give us faith so we'll be safe…"_

 _There's more to the song but I finish there and look up. The two guards look almost impressed but it's the third man I look to. He moved closer than I thought…that or I wasn't factoring in the smallness of the room and the largeness of the man and guards. His eyes- a steel blue- are as unwavering and intense as before but they seem less empty then they had been._

 _Suddenly he moves forward again and reaches his metal arm towards me. I should be afraid. I know it in my bones that I_ should _be afraid of this man being anywhere near me. But whether it's because I'm already in hell anyways, the fact he asked me to sing, or that his ice blue eyes hold curiosity rather than malice, I trust him not to hurt me. And he doesn't. He simply places four cold metal fingers under my chin and brushes his cold metal thumb over my lips._

 _"Красота," he says softly._

 _"What does that mean?" I whisper while not actually expecting him to answer. He drops his hand from my face and looks directly into my eyes._

 _"Beauty."_

"Felicity." I shake myself from my memories and stare at him in surprise. He's _never_ called me by my name. He's known it for years but he's never once used it.

"Yes?"

"You…you are the mission."

My eyes widen at that. If they wanted to kill me why the hell didn't they do it themselves? I mean, yes I'm enhanced and could probably kill most people at hand-to-hand but a plain old bullet to the heart or head could still do me in. They don't need to send the goddamn Winter Soldier to do it! And why would they kill me _now_? Jimmy shakes his head- oh, I probably said that out loud- and slowly places his normal hand on my stomach for a moment.

"I am…to…give you a child." I flinch away from him for the first time ever.

"Y-they…they want you to do _what_?! I'm not…they can't… _why?!_ "

But I know. Even as the words come screeching out of my mouth I know exactly why. The moment Cooper and I realized we weren't working for FBI agents but rather HYDRA ones and I refused to do what they asked, I became their favorite object of human experimentation. Once they finished experimenting on me with those serums they tested their results. They made me kill to test it out, to survive, and to keep them from going after my mother. And after they got the results they wanted they found the scepter thing to experiment on me with. And now that they got the results they wanted with that, they're looking for a new experiment. They want me- a multiply enhanced, healthy, almost-24 year old woman- and the Winter Soldier to have a child together. One they can use, manipulate. In their psychotic minds, scientifically speaking what better experiment could they get?

A child. A _child. My_ child… Suddenly every ounce of anger I've ever had in the past four years hits me. My vision clouds, a rushing noise starts, and I can barely breathe with the amount of anger I feel. I have taken a lot of shit, a lot of horror, but I will _not_ let any child of mine become the science experiments that Jimmy and I have been turned into. That Cooper and so many others died being.

"They can't! No. _No_. I won't. I **_won't_** let this happen! _You_ won't. You can't- please, Jimmy. James. Bucky. Asset, whoever! Just please, this _isn't right!_ " His face becomes pained and suddenly he drops to the floor, shaking and clutching his head.

"I…can't. I-I am Asset. Do not make me…I must- mission- must…Felicity…mission- must com-compl-ply."

He's struggling. He's struggling for the first time in decades to do what he's been told to do. He's a brainless assassin on missions and yet with me now, he's struggling. He's been murdering people for at least 50 years but them telling him to impregnate me… It's hurting him because he truly _can't_ disobey- there's too much programming for too long and I bet they triggered him right before these orders were given- but he wants to desperately. My stomach sinks because I know that no matter the affection he feels for me, in the end he'll do whatever they force him to do. It's either we both comply or he does and I… I close my eyes.

They're forcing us to essentially rape each other because he doesn't want to have sex with me any more than I want to have sex with him. He's programmed and brainwashed into doing whatever he's told- that's the damn _definition_ of unwilling. He's as much a prisoner as I am and has been for a lot longer. I just have more control over my actions than he does. This isn't consensual in any way shape or form. They're raping us…

I open my eyes and look into the face I've come to care for greatly over the past three years (approximately). He still looks pained- in fact his head is in so much pain that his nose has begun bleeding- but he's also searching me, trying to figure me out. _That_ I'm familiar with him doing. He cares about me. I know that for a fact. No matter how brainless he gets from the Winter Soldier programming he has never shown me anything but affection. Distance, reluctance, wariness, confusion- those too. But some level of affection was always present as well. I have a feeling that if he was given a chance- if _we_ were- this could be a man I could fall in love with.

With that in mind I square my shoulders and mentally prepare myself. I may not have a choice in this but I'm not powerless either. They haven't broken me after four years of every horror they came up with and they're not going to break me with this one. And it's not going to be a horror- not this. It's the farthest situation from what I would've hoped but if this is the night I get pregnant, it's going to be a memory I'm alright with. If it's going to happen it's going to happen _my way_. Decision made from the limited choices I have (all of them wrong), I kiss him.

He's surprised by my action and stops trembling in pain immediately. He goes stock still for long enough that I begin to feel really stupid. Just when I'm about to pull away is when he takes hold of my face and kisses me back. It's not the best kiss I've ever had- it's rough and somehow both forceful and hesitant making it inexperienced and sort of confused. Like a teenage boy with his first girlfriend. And yet a stirring of warmth happens when he kisses me back. Jimmy has become the only good thing in my life and he's a constant comfort and warmth. And the warmth I feel with him kissing me is like an extension of that.

"Красота," he whispers as he pulls back slightly and guides me to lay down on my bed. "Моя красота." ( _"Beauty. My beauty."_ )

For once I know what the Russian words mean. I don't know how to respond to them or to the not-so-subtle possessive implication of them. I can't start thinking about that now, if ever. So I answer the safe way- with a kiss.

…

"I like your golden hair." I roll over in Jimmy's arms so that I can face him and he drops the strands of hair he was playing with.

"Better than my brown hair?" He nods.

"You are a bright person. You should be colored brightly. Like the sun." I laugh a little and his face softens a fraction.

"My friend Sara used to tell me I must be a sun goddess because I could always make her laugh or smile when she was angry or upset. She said I 'radiate an annoying amount of happy'. To this day that sentence doesn't make sense to me."

"She is wrong," he says as he resumes playing with my hair. "It is not annoying." He turns me around in his arms again so he can nuzzle his face into my hair. "You are beauty," he breathes into the back of my neck. "My beauty…" I bite my lip before asking hesitantly,

"Um, how…? How am I your beauty? I mean, what do you mean by that; that I'm-I'm yours?" He's quiet for a long time and the only reason I know he hasn't fallen asleep is because he's still playing with my hair.

"I am Asset," he finally says. "My purpose is to do what they need me to do. I do not have anything. I am theirs. But you are not them and you are not theirs. They let me visit you. They want me to be near you. And you let me. You let me listen to you. You let me hear your songs. You let me know the people of your past. You let me touch you. You let me hold you. You let me care for you when you're ill. You are not theirs and they let me near you and you let me near you so you can be mine. My beauty. Not theirs."

I think about his words. I suppose it makes sense from his point of view that I would be his. He's had nothing of his own for as long as he can remember; his life, his existence, is owned and controlled by HYDRA. He's been told again and again that he's to do what they want and that he doesn't have any of his own wants or desires and he doesn't question that. The one thing HYDRA hasn't refused him- and has in fact encouraged him towards- is me. And since I've never pushed him away and always been willing to talk and sing to him when he asks, of course I would be his. It might not be logical to anyone else but it's logical to him.

"You- you are my beauty…?" he questions quietly. It's strange for him to question anything…he's declaration-central usually. I hesitate just a moment before turning around again and kissing his lips lightly. He kisses me back just as lightly and pulls me a little closer.

"Sure," I tell him. His lips lift a fraction at the side- the closest he ever comes to a smile. Then he tucks my head under his chin.

I position my head so it's over his heart. When I was younger and I would get sad or scared my mom would pull me up on her lap and I'd listen to her heartbeat until I calmed down. And if my mother wasn't available- like the day my father left us- it would be Clint or Laura or Sara whose heartbeat I listened to. Jimmy's heartbeat is stronger than I remember my mother's, Clint's, Laura's, or Sara's to be and I need that steadying comfort tonight.

It's been four weeks since Jimmy was brought into my room to have sex with me. He's been brought in every night and once every two weeks the doctors test me to see if I'm pregnant yet. Two weeks ago I wasn't. Tomorrow is my next exam and I'm fairly sure the diagnosis won't be the same. And I'm terrified because of that.

"Jimmy…?" I whisper.

"Mm."

"I'm afraid," I admit- voice still a whisper so that any HYDRA listening devices can't pick up my words. "They're going to come get me tomorrow morning to check me again. And it's going to be different this time. I'm sure of it. I don't…I don't know how I'd be able to deal with a child of mine being taken from me." He doesn't respond for a long time. Then:

"You are my beauty."

I have no idea what that's supposed to mean. How does that response relate to what I said? Did he not understand? Maybe there's really no point in confiding in him now. Maybe there never has been. At the end of the day he's their Asset. After all, that's why we're in this position in the first place…

…

"Felicity. Wake up. Wake up, Красота."

The familiar voice of James Barnes wakes me up just as it's done every day for a month. What's different this morning though, are the kisses up my throat and over my cheek before I've even opened my eyes. When I do open them, Jimmy is hovering above me instead of holding me to his chest like most mornings and when he sees that I'm up he wastes no time pressing his lips to mine.

Something's different this morning with Jimmy. Something's wrong. The problem is, I've no idea what that could be. I've known him for over 3 years and on a _good_ day it's tricky to get a read on what Jimmy's thinking. Today it'll be impossible. I've learned that sometimes the best way to figure out what he's feeling is to simply follow his lead and as such, I kiss him back.

His kiss is different than usual too. Jimmy's always been a physical person and as such, his slightly awkward, confused kissing a month ago became confident and experienced rather quickly. And yet, there's always been an echo of hesitancy to his kisses- to any of his touches- as if he's afraid of hurting me. But this time he's almost desperate. He's devouring my mouth, warring against my tongue with his, sucking and biting at my lips. And his hands are desperate too. Desperately gripping my hip, desperately running over my arms, my waist, my thigh, desperately grabbing at my hair and gripping my face between his hands.

It's almost as if…as if he's afraid of losing me.

As if he's saying goodbye.

But…why? I'm a prisoner here- what would ever make him think I'd be leaving?

It's only after neither of us have any breath left that he stops kissing me and even then his hands don't stop roaming over me. I don't protest his wandering, roaming hands on my naked body. I simply run my hands through his hair and over his jaw as he looks down on me intensely. Eventually his hands- metal and normal- both rest on my waist and he whispers to me,

"Моя красота…Мой Фелисити. Ты мой один." ( _"My beauty…My Felicity. You are my one."_ )

Even though I've become fairly familiar with hearing Russian over the past four years, I only know the meanings of words if Jimmy's told me them. As such, I only know the first four words for sure. What I do know is that whatever the last part was, it was spoken affectionately and sounded almost like he was confessing something. Whatever it was, I can't bring myself to ask. I just smile lightly and say,

"Yeah Jimmy, I'm yours."

He smiles as happily as he ever does but there's something else behind his eyes that eye can't quite put my finger on. Then kisses my forehead lightly before pulling me into a sitting position and standing from the bed. I stay seated on the bed as he walks over to our pile of clothes. It's become something of a tradition over the past two month for Jimmy to get dressed first and then dress me as well. I'm not sure why but the morning after our first time together he insisted on returning the clothes to my body that had been taking off the night before and I've let him do so every morning since. It's strangely sensual and sweet all at once.

It's only about a minute or so after we're both dressed that the door to my room opens. As I knew they would, the two HYDRA guards who bring me for testing are back only this time, I have to force down my horror and fear before looking at them. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll lose it because I know- I _know_ \- that I'm pregnant this time.

"Come," says one of the guards. I nod and stand but suddenly a metal hand presses lightly against my back.

When I look at Jimmy though, his expression is blank and he gives no indication that he even did anything. But then…then Jimmy does something I didn't know was possible. One moment he's standing there with a blank expression and the next he's in front of me holding both guards by their throats. Without looking at me he says,

"Run, Красота." I don't hesitate to do what he says.

…I do glance back, though. And when I do, I have no doubt that intense, steel-blue eyes will haunt my dreams.

…

(A month later- April 4th, 2014)

(Clint's POV)

"Ma'am? Are you lost?" I ask the young woman standing on my doorstep.

I have 20/20 vision but tonight's storm and her position on our porch shrouds her face in darkness. I can only make out her basic, very symmetrical, features and tell that she has light colored hair. If I had to guess her age though, I'd say mid-twenties to early thirties.

"No, I meant to come here. I need your help, Clint."

My frown at the woman turns to a glare. Who the hell is this woman and how does she know my name? Did Natasha or Fury send her? My instincts say she isn't dangerous especially given the rough, exhausted way her voice sounds. A voice that seems familiar in some way… Still, I position myself a little better to ready for a fight.

"Yeah? Well first you're going to tell me who the hell you are and how you found where I live. Because I've got a pretty damn good memory and I don't remember ever meeting you." A tired, dark chuckle comes from her and she straightens to face me more directly and steps into the porch light. When she does I feel like I've taken Thor's hammer to the gut.

"You're right, you haven't met me- not this version of me. But four years ago you knew me better than most."

"F-Felicity?"

* * *

 **AN: Okay, about this story in general. Bucky loves Felicity but until he gets out from under HYDRA's control, he can't quite express it or fully fall in love with her. Even through the Winter Soldier programming something about Felicity has hit the humanity and the person that's buried in there. At first it's because she reminds him of someone from his past- more about that person later on- but then it's because of who _she_ is and the light and comfort she brings.**

 **Now, there's a couple things I want to say in regards to them being forced to sleep together. Firstly, Bucky does love her and he is kind and affectionate towards her even through the programming. In my head with this story, Felicity has kind of started the crack in the programming- has brought that humanity forward- that Steve then is able to use and make Bucky remember some of who he was. Felicity sees him as someone she could fall in love with if they weren't in the situations they were in and she really does care about him.**

 **However, even though they care about each other I feel the need to make the point that this is not _fully_ consensual sex because whether or not feelings are involved, they are both being forced into it by HYDRA. I believe Felicity would see the situation as ****_HYDRA_** **raping both of them by forcing them to sleep with one another because Bucky really doesn't have a choice in doing what they tell him to and I think she would accept that fact and, because there isn't _any_ good choice, she would choose to make the best of it and make it something that they can both live with. ****_But,_** **it will be something that Bucky has to deal with later on because I think _he_ would see it that he's still responsible even with HYDRA being the ones pulling the strings.**

 **Finally, I have yet to decide if Felicity will start calling him Bucky or James or just stick with 'Jimmy' but for at least the first part of the story the name 'Jimmy' isn't going anywhere. Sorry if that gets confusing.**


	3. Chapter 2: Her Story

**Hello, lovelies! Sorry this one is a few days late- it's about the length of 2 of my normal chapters so it took a bit longer.**

 _ **FEW THINGS ABOUT THE STORY:**_ **_1:_ I realized I screwed up some dates/years in the preface  & 1st chapter and since I'm a bit of a stickler for correct timelines in my stories I've updated those. Big apology to those detail-oriented people like me. _2:_ Clint and Laura's oldest is actually named Cooper but I changed it to Casey since Felicity's ex is named Cooper too. _3:_ I've got most of this planned out but if you want more of something/someone please feel free to let me know! Thank you for the ****_amazing_** **response to this story!** **As always, hope you enjoy and please review!**

 **I don't own Marvel, DC, the Avengers, or Arrow.**

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 _Chapter 2: Her Story_

(April 4th, 2014- Felicity's POV)

"Hi." Clint doesn't respond. He just stares at me with shock etched in every point of his face. I wait a moment longer for him to get over the shock of seeing me but I'm really cold so I break the silence fairly quickly. "Alright, look. Clearly I am not dead like you all thought I was but it's a really long story and I'd rather-" I'm cut off when Clint suddenly pulls me into a bone-breaking hug.

"You're alive. You're alive…" I smile and let myself enjoy the embrace for a moment before responding.

"Yes, Clint, I'm alive. Thirsty, tired, and drenched also could describe my current state." My cousin releases me from the hug but grips my shoulders tightly. With a surprisingly hoarse voice he tells me,

"I'm going to get Laura while you dry off, have a glass of water, and sit down. Then you're going to tell us why the _hell_ we were forced into believing my baby cousin was dead for four years." I nod and he lets go of my shoulders, leading me into the house and living room.

The inside of my cousin and his wife's home is the same and yet different. It still has that homey, comforting air that had made this place my go-to-escape when life got too much. And just like four years ago there are dozens of family photos around. Yet there's different furniture in the living room and dining room, there's extra rooms off of the house (projects of Clint's, no doubt), and there isn't the evidence of a one and a half year old toddler anymore. Instead there's a doll house in the corner and a princess costume laid over one of the chairs. And there isn't evidence of a five year old boy but rather a box of Legos, a puzzle for a 9 or 10 year old kid, and 4th grade math homework on the living room table. Ah, right; Clint and Laura started Casey a bit early since his birthday is in September. He was in Kindergarten the last time I saw him… I've missed so much.

As I look around and the familiar and unfamiliar parts of what had been one of my favorite places in the world (the other being Sara and Laurel's house), my cousin gets me a glass of water from the kitchen and a towel from some closet somewhere. Then he points to the couch (an order from Hawkeye that I choose _not_ to follow) and rushes upstairs to- presumably- get Laura as he'd said he would. As it's 10:15, according to the clock on the bookshelf in the living room, I assume Case and Lila have already been asleep for an hour or two.

I take a few sips of the water and dry off a bit with the towel but when I hear footsteps rushing down the stairs I set them both on the living room coffee table before turning to the two people on the stairs. With her long brown hair and kind brown eyes, my cousin's beautiful, loving wife looks exactly as I remember her. When Laura reaches me tears start to form in her eyes and she lifts hesitant hands to gently cradle my face. I smile lightly at the woman who'd become something of an older sister to me.

"Hey Laura." She grins and pulls me into a tight hug.

"It's true. It's true, I can't believe it! Y-you're re-really alive." I hug Laura back and breathe in that comforting pear-shampoo of hers. I pull back first and she seems reluctant to let me go but she smiles and wipes her tears. "You should sit down, sweetie. I bet you're tired. I'll get you some more water for you. Clint, get the blankets from the closet for Felicity," she orders my cousin who smiles at her fondly.

"Yes ma'am," he says while doing as directed.

I can't help but smile at seeing them as in love with each other as they were four years ago. Unfortunately, that thought brings forth the image of a pair of steel-blue eyes to my mind. And even more painful than that, is the image of those eyes filling with love as they look into my own. I shake my head quickly to dispel the image just as Clint and Laura reenter the living room.

When they walk back over to me Clint sets two blankets on the coffee table and hands me the third and then sits in the chair across from me. Laura hands me a new glass of water and chooses to stand beside her husband

"What happened to you? How are you alive?" I finish my water and set it down before answering.

"Which question do you want me to answer first? They're not exactly the same."

"Why did the FBI tell Donna you and Cooper died?" asks Laura as she wraps another blanket around me. "Let's start there." My lips purse and I let out an angry breath.

"Because they weren't the FBI. It wasn't the FBI who arrested us- in fact, no one from the FBI has ever found out about what Cooper did or my computer virus." I look directly at Clint. "It was HYDRA. HYDRA agents in the FBI."

"Fucking hell," he exclaims simply before jumping out of his seat and rushing out of the room. I glance questioningly at Laura.

"Natasha," she explains simply. I nod but personally think he should be waiting to call his partner until everything's been shared and explained. There's more she'll need to be informed of. "Do you want any more water, Felicity? Or I could make you some tea or something to eat or-"

"-Laura? You're hovering," I tell her gently. "It's nice but-"

"-but it's still hovering," she says with a smile. "Good to know that independent streak hasn't changed." She finally sits herself down on the couch beside me and takes my hand. "I'm sorry. I just…you don't know how much we've missed you. How hard it was to believe our energetic little cousin was dead."

"I might not know but I'm guessing it's close to how much I missed you all." I wipe a tear from under her eye and give her hand a squeeze. "Don't worry, Laura. I'm not going to disappear again."

"You're goddamn right you're not," says Clint coming back into the room after hearing my last comment. "You're going to tell us everything that happened to you, everything you know, we're going to get a doctor to come here and check you out- I have a friend we can get to come see you, and then Nat and I are going to make sure the bastards get what's coming to them. And you are going to stay on this farm until I say differently." It takes a lot for me not to snap at him for his demanding tone but somehow I manage and simply glance at Laura who's nodding along with her husband's words.

"Clint's right, sweetie. It's best that you stay here with us." I nod but know later I'll have to have a few words with my dear cousin about his plans. For now though, I'm not willing to argue so I move on.

"What did Tasha say?" Clint looks at me with suspicion for my lack of argument but eventually just sits back down in front of Laura and I.

"Nat didn't answer. I've had the last few days off so I haven't seen her but her mission with Cap was supposed to be over so I'm not sure why she didn't. She'll probably get back to me later tonight." My heart stops.

"Cap?"

"Oh, yeah, right. There's a few things I'll need to catch you up on." From the look on Laura's face that's a grave understatement. "For now, suffice it to say that it turns out the serum used on Captain America kept him alive and he was sort of just frozen in the ice for 67 years in a kind of suspended animation situation. Now he works with SHEILD." I sigh.

I have to talk to him; meet him. Clint's not going to like it- he likes keeping his family a secret and from what I've found out about SHIELD I'm glad he does- but I have to meet Steve Rogers. I know Clint would say I can just go through him and Nat for whatever it is because his inclination will be to keep me hidden. But he doesn't know most of my story yet. And when he does- when he knows what I am, what happened, the situation I'm in, the things I know, and who the man I befriended was- then he'll have to agree.

"While we're waiting on Nat though, can you finish explaining what happened to you?"

"Finish? I hardly started," I say with a humorless chuckle that causes Clint and Laura to flinch. "I'll tell you…but you might end up sorry you asked."

At my words Laura and Clint share a glance and do that weird mind-reading-thing people who've been together as long as they have can do. Whatever they decided upon, it causes Clint to take my hand and Laura to drop the one she had in favor of wrapping an arm around my shoulders and scooting closer to me. The simply wait for me to start.

"Okay then. The agents who took Cooper and I told us they were FBI and that if we didn't want to go to jail we would help them with certain tasks. We agreed so they brought us to a facility somewhere in New Jersey. We helped them for a while. The tasks they gave us- hacking into security systems, running facial recognition programs, creating advanced pattern recognition algorithms…most of them would seem to make sense for what the FBI would need two hackers for. But I got the feeling that they weren't telling us something.

"So as usual, I got too curious for my own good. There were some things that didn't add up so I did what I do best: go to the places in the cyber world I'm not supposed to be in. I realized fairly quickly who they _weren't_ \- they weren't any form of federal government. It took a little longer to fully realize who they _were_ though. By the time I'd started and finished looking into who it really was we were working for, we'd been their hackers for about 6 months. I didn't tell Coop what I was doing until I figured out who they were and when I did, I blatantly refused the next time they came to us with a task.

"I told them I knew who they were. I knew they weren't the FBI, that they were HYDRA, and that I knew HYDRA had infiltrated the FBI. They threatened to kill us if we didn't get back to work. Cooper agreed- he was afraid to die- but I didn't. I told them they could go ahead and kill me. They'd already made my family believe I was dead and I'd rather die standing up for what was right than live knowing I was helping a Nazi Terrorist organization."

I pause in my story and take in my cousin and his wife's expressions to gouge their thoughts so far. Clint looks simultaneously proud and furious while Laura seems to be preparing herself, correctly so, for the fact that this is only the tip of the iceberg. I look at my hands- not wanting to see what they think once I move on- and after a moment of gathering my thoughts I continue.

"Obviously they didn't like my answer and that's…that's when things got bad. I don't underestimate most people but I underestimated them- I underestimated what they would do to us. I was prepared to be killed or tortured even. I knew saying no to them- refusing to be their hacker puppet- meant signing over my life…I just didn't know the way it would happen. I was knocked out by one of the guards. When I woke up it was a few days later and I was tied to a table with Cooper tied to one beside me. A HYDRA scientist told me I was in a facility in Russia. Then he started the first experiments."

"The **_first_** **_experiments?!_** "

When I look up at my cousin I have no doubt I'm seeing Hawkeye at his deadliest. It's a cold, controlled fury that burns in Clint's eyes and I know some time, somewhere, bodies will fall from that fury. Hawkeye will avenge the wrongs he feels have been done to me and no one will be able to stop or change that. And I can't bring myself to care at the loss of lives my words are causing.

"Clint, quiet down. The last thing we want is to wake the kids," says Laura even though her own expression shows that she would love nothing better than to scream and rage at the top of her lungs.

"So what if the kids wake up?! My cousin just told us-"

"-I know perfectly well what she said!" she snaps- surprising us both. Laura _never_ snaps. She could give Gandhi a run for his money in patience and calm. "And that's exactly why we don't want the kids waking up and barging in on us before we know everything and have time to prepare them. And Felicity doesn't need that right now."

"It's fine, Laura. But…look you guys, like I said before, you're not going to be happy hearing this story." I lean forward toward my cousin and take his other hand as well. "Clint, there are things you need to know but if you can't hear it tonight than I don't have to tell it right away. It's just…sooner rather than later would be good. But if it's too stressful tonight than-"

"-No. No, I'd rather get everything out of the way now. I can keep my emotions in check while you tell me what you have to." I pause to gouge the truthfulness of his statement. After I do, I nod, release his hands and lean back into the couch again. I take a moment to figure out where to start up again.

"There were other people besides Coop and I that were being experimented on… They were trying to perfect something and the more test subjects there were, the better. The thing was, this compound- this serum- that they were trying to get right was never going to be perfect because it's a knock-off of another serum. The original formula was destroyed and even the first knock-off that HYDRA created, they only had a diluted version available to experiment with and fix. Because of how unnatural and imperfect it was, and because of how uncertain they were on the necessary properties, the effects on the test subjects…on us…were often fatal. In less than six months half of us were dead. Cooper included." I pause again and Clint speaks up.

"Felicity…this serum they were trying to replicate…it wasn't the Captain America serum, was it?" I smirk a little.

"You've always been quick on the draw, Clint. Pun very much intended. That's what they ideally wanted. However, they knew they weren't going to get that since the records of Dr. Erskine- the one who created the serum used on Steve Rogers- were all destroyed. So what they were going for instead was the original HYDRA version of it. But, like I said, that knock-off version they had available to them could only be extracted in a diluted form."

"Extracted?" questions Laura with a frown matching her husband's.

"It's…" I pause again and bite my lip- trying to figure out the best way to tell them about the Winter Soldier and Jimmy/Bucky.

"Felicity?"

"Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to explain… Okay. Towards the end of my first year there or maybe the beginning of my second- I couldn't always keep track of the days back then but it was around the time Coop died- I met someone new. He, uh, he was another prisoner but different. He wasn't experimented on the same way the rest of us were. Instead he'd been experimented on a long time ago and he was… _conditioned_. Programmed, brainwashed, whatever you want to call it, and so he was, uh, more compliant and had a different use to them."

"You mean Red Room kind of stuff?" I look at Clint with innocent confusion and he snorts. "Playing dumb doesn't suit you. I know you know all about that stuff because I know you hacked into SHIELD records before going off to MIT and looked at a bunch of my mission reports including the one about Nat. One of our tech guys found a coding a little too similar to a favorite cousin's of mine." Oh shit…

"If they knew then how come I never got in trouble?" He rolls his eyes.

"Because it's _you_ , Kid- hacker or not you weren't a threat; just some teenager too curious for her own good. If you started to be a problem I'd handle you but that obviously never happened. Fury actually had you at the top of the list of potential recruits. He was going to send Coulson in December but-"

"-You all thought I died. Yeah. When I realized it wasn't the feds that had us I hoped you and Natasha would figure out where I was but once I realized it was HYDRA and they'd infiltrated the government I gave up on that. I mean hell, with all the resources they have they could probably have found a way to clone me if they wanted to be thorough about it." I pause as a horrible thought occurs. "Wait. They _didn't_ clone me, right?! Like you didn't bury a cloned version of me did you? Or somebody who had a bunch of my DNA or whatever and looked like me like they do in _Alias_ kinds of TV shows because then coming back to life is going to be even more difficult than I thought and that is a _really_ weird sentence…" The worry in Clint's and Laura's eyes soften a bit at my rambling.

"There, uh, wasn't a body to bury, Felicity," says Laura. "The fire they said you were in was strong enough and lasted long enough to burn all the inmates' bodies to ash before the fire department was able to get it out. Donna was given a pile of ashes and told there was DNA evidence that-"

"-That it was me," I finish for her. They just nod and we descend into silence. Having had enough silence to last a hundred lifetimes, I go back to Clint's earlier question. "Um, I don't know if they used Red Room tactics on him but I know he was tortured as part of it so it's possible they used some of the same tactics." Clint enters his super-spy Hawkeye self and his voice becomes more confident and steady.

"I'll talk to Tasha about it when she gets back to me. Anyways, what does this guy have to do with the serum and experiments?"

"He was the first HYDRA success with the knock off version of the serum. It's from his blood that they created the stuff they used on us and that's why it kept failing and killing the other, um, test subjects. It's unnatural to begin with and it was so diluted and, well, _used_ , that it was unstable and incompatible with us. I may not have died but I did get sick from it more than a few times. I was actually glad when I did because they would stop experimenting until I was better. By the time they got it right I was the only survivor…the only success. They probably made more since then but at the time I was all that was left. I don't know why…" Laura and Clint exchange a worried look.

"You mean to tell us you have the same enhancements now as Cap?"

"Sort of. I mean yes; I have enhanced strength, senses, metabolism- all that. But it's not at the level his is and as you can see there wasn't much of an obvious physical change. I'm, uh, more toned than I naturally was before but that's pretty much it."

"Fucking hell." I'm only slightly shocked that Laura hasn't been scolding Clint for all the cursing he's been doing tonight. She seems to be too invested in her own surprise and questions.

"And you met him?" she asks. "The man they created their new version of the serum from? Why did you meet?"

"I'll get to the 'why' after the 'who'. The world knows him by two names but they don't know those two people are the same person. One of them is the name of who he used to be, and one is who HYDRA made him into. The name you and Fury would probably be most interested in- and the name I have reason to believe Natasha encountered him as, is the Winter Soldier." Clint's reaction to the name is automatic, confirming my suspicion that he's aware of the legendary ghost-like unstoppable assassin whose been connected to hundreds of deaths.

"That's how he's the killer he is- he's HYDRA's version of Captain America. And since Cap survived seventy years in the ice without aging a minute-"

"-It's not impossible to imagine HYDRA found a way for him to be killing on-and-off for fifty years under their control, torture, and experiments," I finish.

"Wait. Hold on just a minute. You're telling me there's a man who has been assassinating people for fifty years under HYDRA's control and you _met him_ and…did what? Talk?" Obviously, Laura is being sarcastic and doesn't expect me to say yes.

"Not always," I tell them.

" _WHAT?!_ " ask Clint and Laura together- staring at me as if I'd gone nuts.

"Look, it's not going to make any sense if I don't explain this the right way. So just…hold off your questions." Clint in particular looks like he wants to protest but neither do and they just wait for me to continue. "Right. So, the second name the world knows him by is…is James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky Barnes."

" _Bucky Barnes?!_ "

"Steve Rogers' _best friend_ who _died_ in World War Two? The _Howling Commando_ who _saved_ hundreds of people is the **_Winter Soldier_**?" I roll my eyes.

"That no-questioning thing barely lasted two seconds. Yes; turns out there are a lot of people who were supposed to be dead that aren't. I'm supposed to be dead, aren't I?" Clint sighs and Laura rubs her forehead and mutters,

"I think I'm getting a headache…" I chuckle humorlessly.

"A headache. That's one way to sum up my life for the past four years." I hastily ignore their sorrowful expressions and move on. "Anyways, like I said I met him about three years ago. They were done with my "treatments", as they put it, for a few days and I was given time to rest before the next ones so I was locked inside my room. To me the worst part of being locked in that room was the silence from being alone so a lot of times I would sing quietly to myself.

"That day Jimmy- sorry; I mean Bucky, Winter Soldier, whatever- he had come back from a, uh, mission. It'd been his first mission after they took him out of cryo-freeze again. They led him past my room and given his enhanced hearing he heard me singing. They were speaking Russian which I didn't know any of at the time so I'm not sure what was said but they ended up coming in. I'd stopped singing and when they came in Ji- _Bucky_ asked me to sing again. So I did. When I was done he touched my lips, said a word in Russian that means 'beauty', and then they just left.

"About a month later he had another 'mission' and before he left he asked them if he could see me again. I don't know why- maybe they were just curious to see what happened- but for whatever reason they said if he was efficient and did the job well he could. He obviously did it to their satisfaction because he visited again. He asked me to sing again and I did. I asked him what his name was. He said 'Asset'. I hadn't realized who he was yet so that's when I decided to call him Jimmy. It wasn't the last time he came. For some reason he…he liked me."

"He _liked you_?" Clint's voice is understandably disbelieving but also holds a sort of worried quality.

"Yeah. I was…a fascination, I guess. And HYDRA realized it. After seventy years of creating and perfecting a weapon and then mindless assassinations there's not much improvement to be made. And yet, they realized that he they'd have to trigger him less often and wipe his mind fewer times- it's what they did when he'd start being…himself again- when he was promised a visit to me. He was like a dog being told to sit in order to get a treat. Killing was Jimmy being told to sit and spending time with me was the treat.

"He never really spoke much. Even after three years he didn't always participate much in our conversations. But he was company and for the first time since Cooper died I wasn't alone…for the first time someone was kind to me. In the beginning he would just ask me to sing or I'd tell him a story and he'd simply sit there and listen to me. I'd talk for hours sometimes or other days if I was tired I'd sing a song, tell him I was tired, and we'd sit in silence together. That was how it was for half a year or so. Then something happened that got him to be more… _human_ towards me. I got sick. Really sick.

"Like I said before, the experiments made me sick sometimes but I was the only one who didn't die. But this time was different…this time I thought I was going to. Even the HYDRA doctors stopped trying to get me better. They'd figured just like so many others I was a failed test subject and it was pointless to save me. I was left in my room to die. Jimmy didn't know of course and he asked to see me. He couldn't get sick from me so there was no purpose in denying him- instead they'd get the benefit of him being a more efficient lap dog for a little longer.

"When he came into my room and saw me lying on my bed coughing, sweating, shivering, and wincing from the pain in my body, it was like something snapped in him and he did something odd. He tucked the one blanket I had tighter around me, laid down next to me, and held me; trying to keep me as warm as possible. In the morning he forced water down my throat. At night he forced me to eat. For several days- maybe a week- he didn't say a word. But each day and night he made me drink and eat and throughout the whole time he held me while I slept. I have no idea why. I have no idea how it happened or what it was that made him do it. But for whatever reason, he took care of me. He kept me alive.

"One morning, though, I was different. When I woke up in Jimmy's arms I wasn't sick anymore. In fact I felt healthier than I'd ever been. I felt strong and I could see, hear, smell, feel, and even taste better than before. I knew it had worked. Over a year of experiment after experiment, treatment after treatment, new pain after new pain, they'd finally made me into a weapon. And when they came to get Jimmy the next day and realized what had happened…their tortures on me changed."

"Wh-what? What do you mean?"

I ignore the fear in Laura's voice as best as I can but knowing what I have to tell them- what I have to admit- doesn't make it easy. And looking into the faces of two people I missed so much and never dreamed I'd see again, the tears I've held back day after day for years begin to prick my eyes. I swallow thickly and in trying to control my emotions, my words come out unintentionally harsh.

"I was the success, Laura. Do you think they were going to just let that _go_? They were going to use it! Use what they'd… _created_. The Winter Soldier programming takes decades to perfect and they didn't want to wait. I'd already shown multiple times I wasn't afraid to die and if it meant saving someone else I didn't much care if they killed me. So they had to find something else to threaten me into compliance with. And they did. They found Mom."

" _What_? But Donna's never been hurt. She's never even been threatened by any-"

"-Yes she has. She just doesn't know it because I gave in. They found out she married Sara and Laurel's dad- which even when I was being threatened, I felt a little weird about- and so they put a HYDRA agent in the SCPD. Perfect position to kill Mom if I didn't- if I…if I didn't do what th-the Winter Soldier has been doing for all these years. If I didn't _murder_ for them…they'd murder Mom. S-so I did. I-I'm sorry. I'm so, _so_ sorry but I- I couldn't let her die. I _couldn't_ , Clint, I _couldn't!_ "

And suddenly I can't hold back the tears any longer. In four years of pain, humiliation, anger, disgust, hatred, death, guilt, self-loathing, longing, and homesickness I've cried once. The first time I killed someone I cried for a few minutes. That's it. I couldn't let myself cry because I couldn't be vulnerable and I was afraid that if I started I would never stop. It's only after I'm literally gasping for breath- which, with my new lung capacity is pretty surprising- that I stop crying now and realize Laura is off the couch, Clint is on it, and he's pulled me into his arms and rubbing circles on my back.

"Shh, shh. Come on, Kid. It's alright. You're alright. I gotcha, Kid. I gotcha." I let my cousin comfort me until my breathing gets easier. Then I pull back a bit and wipe my eyes.

"You don't- you don't hate me?" Clint looks as if he'd like to smack me for my words.

" _Stupid_ doesn't suit you. You did what you had to in order to survive and protect our family. Anyone who would hate you for that isn't worth your time. You were my favorite cousin when you were a moody teenager, Felicity; you think there's anything you can do to change how I think of you?"

"I think that says more about you and my mom than it does me." He smirks.

"There's the smart-ass I've been looking for." I smile a little.

"Some things never change. Where'd Laura go?"

"To check on the kids and make you some tea. Probably get you something to eat too."

"I hope I didn't wake them." Clint just waves his hand dismissively.

"Don't worry about them. I'm sure they're fine and I'm even more certain that they're better off than you are right now." I sigh.

"You know, I'd like to take offence to that but unfortunately it's the truth." Clint huffs a little chuckle and I smile back lightly.

The silence that descends on us is comfortable but with how much I loathe silence these days, I'm very happy when Laura enters with a mug of steaming tea and a plate of cheese and crackers. I take the tea gratefully but decide to wait on the food. Given how my stomach's been reacting to things the past few days, I'd rather give them the explanation before running to vomit in their bathroom.

"Do you want to finish the rest of your story tomorrow?" asks Laura when she's reseated. "You don't have to-" she stops when I shake my head.

"No. I…there's some more things you guys need to know. One thing particularly but I can't get to that until basically the end of the story." Clint exhales and nods and Laura takes my hand again. "So, um, I killed for them to protect Mom. They also used Sara, Laurel, and Detective Lance as bargaining chips to make me comply. Every time they sent me on an assignment they would show me photos or videos of them.

"Some of the people I killed were just people who were a possible risk to HYDRA or things they were doing. Others were more important to the world in general. …None of them deserved to be murdered. But I did it- I killed them. Usually I had…handlers, I guess you would call them, to make sure I didn't deviate from the mission set for me. I might be enhanced but a tranquilizer dart meant to bring down an elephant works on me as well as it does the elephant. Don't know if it would work on Captain America though, since he's like the perfect version of this super soldier bull shit."

"I'm sure Stark would be interested in that experiment." I chuckle shortly at my cousin's obvious attempt to make us all slightly less depressed.

"From the little I know of him I'm sure that's true. Though I doubt Captain Rogers would be a very willing participant."

"You don't know Tony if you think he'd ask first." I smile a little at that but it doesn't last long when I'm reminded of my own experiences with the legendary CEO of Stark Industries.

"He tried to recruit me…before…he even came to Cambridge personally and took me out to lunch a couple times. He made a really good offer but I'd already accepted Robert's offer for QC and I didn't particularly like the idea of working for the weapons industry. Though I guess working on weapons would've been better than getting turned into one…" Laura and Clint's smiles vanish as well.

"I remember," comments Clint. "When he was boasting about his company once, he mentioned that only two people had ever declined working for him when he'd headhunted them. I didn't mention that my cousin was one of those two." A flash of guilt crosses my cousin's face and he clears his throat. "I, uh, I haven't talked about you much over the last four years to anyone. Even to your mother or Laura," he says nodding to his wife. "I know I should have- you deserved to be talked about and thought about, I just-I just couldn't bring myself to-"

"-Clint. It's fine. I'm not dead so there's no point feeling like you weren't honoring me or whatever. And I know my mother- she's a strong woman but she's always been afraid of me leaving like my father did. And even though I didn't have a choice in leaving her, I wouldn't be surprised if she forbade people from speaking of me for a while at least in front of her." From the looks on Laura and Clint's faces I know I'm right on the money with that one. "And hey, even if I hadn't been taken by HYDRA you wouldn't have told Stark we were related unless you had to- you've kept the family under the radar for a reason." Clint nods.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm still sorry though, Fel." I purse my lips at that because it sounds like he's trying to say sorry for a hell of a lot more than he should be. I sigh and grasp both his and Laura's hands.

"Alright. The two of you listen closely: There. Is. _Nothing_ you could have done to save me from HYDRA. Got it? Nothing." Clint opens his mouth to argue but I stop him from getting even a sound out. "- _No_. Nuh-uh. Don't even try arguing with me about this. You may be a super-duper high-end spy or whatever, _Hawkeye_ , but there's not a damn thing you could have done. I was taken by the supposed FBI and the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division has no legal jurisdiction in what the FBI does. And you didn't even know I was arrested until they'd already made it look like I was dead. The only person who could have saved me and Cooper from HYDRA was _me_ by never having wrote that stupid virus in the first place. There's too much guilt in everyone's lives for what we _are_ responsible for to be adding stuff we aren't into the mix." Clint just looks at me for a while before saying,

"…I was supposed to protect you, Felicity."

"Says who?" I shoot back at him sharply while releasing his and Laura's hands. "Family looks out for each other but we don't make one another's _choices_ , Clint. I made a choice in trusting Cooper- a guy who for all his good qualities, was also one of the most egotistical guys I've ever met- with a virus that I had no business creating in the first place. Cooper made a choice in using that virus in a way that I never meant it to be used for. Then I made a choice to go looking into the supposed federal agents we were working for and made another choice in standing up to them instead of continuing as their hacker-puppet when I found out they were HYDRA. Cooper didn't deserve to die as a lab rat on a cold metal table in Russia and I didn't deserve to be turned into what I am but it was _our_ choices that led us to the sadistic horrors of HYDRA. No one else's." The three of us sit in silence for a few moments. Laura's the one to break it.

"Felicity…why do you say it like that?" she asks quietly. "Why do you say ' _what_ ' you are? You're talking as if you don't see yourself as…as a person anymore."

I sigh and look out the window, away from my family. The storm has slowed to a hazy drizzle and for just a moment I picture the way Sara and I would run outside and jump in the puddles after a storm like this one. I haven't tasted freedom like that in four years and even though I've escaped HYDRA…freedom still seems very far away. Without facing back to them, I answer Laura by continuing my story.

"I didn't eat for almost two weeks after the first time I killed someone. When we had gotten back to the HYDRA facility I was offered dinner but I knew I'd be sick if I ate. So I was just dropped off in my room and I cried. It's the only time I've let myself cry since being taken and I didn't let myself cry for long. But I couldn't eat. HYDRA didn't really care at first but then they got scared. Scared I would refuse food long enough that even with my enhancements I'd end up dying. So they decided to strap me down and force feed me through a tube. I threw it up. So they tried something new. They tried Jimmy.

"See, they'd been using Jimmy's growing fondness for me to make him a better lap dog so they decided to see if it would work the other way around. They brought me to a room with a glass window looking into another room. Like those interrogation rooms in police precincts. Jimmy was brought into the next room. They started torturing him. They told me they would stop only once I ate a whole meal _and_ kept it down. I'd never eaten so fast in my life- even faster than when Oliver, Tommy, Sara, and I entered that pie-eating contest when I was ten. That was the first night that I took care of Jimmy instead of the other way around.

"And after that…well, as loathe I am to admit it, HYDRA didn't become what they are without having a few smart ideas. It had become obvious that their Asset and I cared about each other so they started making plans for us. I didn't find out about most of them until the day I escaped but their plans for us were in the works from that day forward. They wouldn't mind-wipe him unless it was a last resort because they _didn't_ want him forgetting me. So they'd either trigger him if he needed a push or put him back into cryo-freeze if I had handlers and assignments lined up.

"But they also started having us go on assignments together. They liked it better that way because they knew Jimmy couldn't go against them and I didn't want to do anything that would get him or anyone in Starling hurt. But for me, going on assignments with Jimmy was torture. I hated seeing the impassioned, brainless way he would kill someone just as much as I hate killing. For over a year it went on like that. Even after learning what they had in store for me, I was almost glad when eighteen months ago they stopped sending me out."

"Oh hell…" I finally look back to Clint and Laura- Laura has tears in her eyes and Clint…Clint's just plain pissed. "Earlier you said 'first experiments'. Eighteen months ago they did something else to you." I nod in agreement to his realization.

"Yeah. Around that time they got their hands on this weird…device. An alien scepter th-"

 _CRASH._

I stare openmouthed between my cousin and the now-broken glass on the floor that he'd thrown at the wall. Before I can say a thing he's rushing out of the house with Laura calling after him to come back. The front door slams and all I can think to say is;

"How the hell are your kids still asleep?" Laura chuckles once but it's empty of any true humor as she continues to look at the door her husband stormed out of.

"They're like Clint- they could sleep through a bomb if tired enough. Clint took them to the city today and they didn't get back until about an hour before you showed up. They went to the zoo, a museum, the toy store, the bookstore…Lila's become quite the reader." She looks at me now and smiles. "We think it's because of you. You were the one who read to her so much that first year and a half." A smile back for just a moment.

"Does she remember me at all?" Laura sighs sadly and shakes her head.

"No. But Casey does and he and I have told her about you. Clint…like he said, he and Donna haven't spoken about you much. It was just too painful for them. And Casey…he used to ask when you were 'coming home'. Clint would just walk out of the room when he did and eventually Casey learned not to talk about you in front of his father." I nod solemnly. I knew my family and friends would have a hard time thinking I was dead but since I thought I'd die already dead to the world, I'd hoped- perhaps naively- that they'd get past it.

"Did the engine ever get finished?" Laura shakes her head.

"No. But we still have it in the shed. Now you have the chance to finish it with him." I smile a little.

"I'd like that." I pause and glance at the door before asking the obvious question. "What was Clint's reaction all about? I mean, I know that the experiment thing isn't easy for you guys to hear but that seemed…more personal."

"I'll let him tell you the full story later- I probably don't know it all, honestly- but, well, almost 2 years ago was when there was a terrorist attack in New York that SHIELD and…associates like Captain America had to stop. It was led by the man who owned that scepter you're talking about and he used it to brainwash humans into helping and following him. …Clint was one of the people he brainwashed." I close my eyes- horrible understanding flooding my mind about more than just Clint's reaction.

"So that's how they got it," I mutter. "Because SHIELD had it."

"What do you mean by that?" Laura and I both look back to the door at hearing Clint's voice- the sharp, angry tone of the question not surprising me. Hawkeye's back.

"Are you alright?" Laura immediately asks her husband.

"'Alright' is not a word I'll be using for a long while, darling," he says bluntly as he walks over and sits back down. "What did you mean they got it because SHIELD had it?" he reiterates. I purse my lips for a sec before responding.

"The day I left I was able to destroy all the information they had and blow up the facility as I escaped. But before I did, I was able to retrieve everything they had for myself." Clint's eyes light up eagerly but before he asks I tell him quickly, "I'll give it all to you and Natasha later. For now, the thing you need to know is that SHIELD isn't what you believe it to be. I told you that there were HYDRA agents in the FBI but it was only a handful of them. The government agency they truly have a hand in- the one that they were like a parasite to- is SHIELD." Both Laura and Clint stare at me in shock and horror for about three minutes. Then Clint exclaims loudly,

"You've got to be fucking _kidding_ me!"

"I'm sorry, Clint, I'm not. When you get a hold of Tasha I'll go over every detail with the both of you. I know names and plans and locations and…well, suffice it to say I have a _lot_ to tell you. What I'll tell you now is that it started in the very beginning of SHIELD. Some of the people that started out with Peggy Carter, Howard Stark, and Chester Philips were secretly HYDRA and they recreated HYDRA _within_ SHIELD. There are people at Fury and Maria's level, and even higher, that are HYDRA; it's not like it's just people at the bottom. At least half of SHIELD agents are really HYDRA. I'm sorry."

Clint runs a hand agitatedly over his face. Laura just doesn't seem to know what to say and really, when your husband finds out his employer for the past sixteen years is secretly run by terrorists there really isn't anything you _can_ say.

"Fuck. Natasha better get in touch with me soon. And I'm calling Fury and Maria the moment you finish telling us what the hell you've gone through."

"You can call them now. The rest of the story can wait a little-"

"-No," he cuts me off firmly. "I'm not waiting a moment longer to know what's happened to my little cousin." I sigh and nod, getting back to the story:

"These experiments with the scepter…they didn't make me sick the way the first ones did. These were just…pain. The others were painful too of course, but not like these. There were others they experimented on with the scepter too and most of them literally died from the pain running through their systems. Obviously I didn't- probably because I was already enhanced- but I blacked out from them over and over again and would be unconscious for days because of how exhausted the pain had made me. My nose and ears bled because of how bad the pain in my head would get. I tried not to scream but some days I couldn't help it- I'd scream until I couldn't any longer. Every part of me felt like I was being ripped open and shredded. Sometimes it would feel like I had scarabs or something inside me and before they got strong enough restraints I'd try to claw them out of me even though I knew they weren't there. I _begged_ to die like everyone else but God didn't give me that. It was like that for six or seven months before I started to change for a second time. And it was four or five months until I was fully changed. I know that the whole process was just under 11 months.

"It was…horrible. The changing wasn't like before- it wasn't making me stronger or giving me better vision or whatever. It didn't just better my body. This didn't better anything…it violated me in a way that I…that made me not _me_ because what it did, it did to my mind. I was completely insane for _months_. As in hallucinating-24/7, shoved-in-a-straight-jacket insane. I can't remember anything clearly from that time. Just pain and this feeling of having too much happening inside me. After my mind was finally stable again and I had realized what I'd become…how the one part of me that made me, _me_ wasn't…wasn't _right_ anymore…that's when I stopped believing in God.

"For over three years and all I'd gone through up to that point I held onto the hope that God was there and somehow he'd save me or that there was _some_ reason this was happening to me. But going through that…begging for months to die and have it over with, my mind becoming crazed and violated, and the supposed Almighty God doing _nothing_ …I couldn't pretend anymore. I wasn't perfect but I didn't deserve that…I didn't deserve to become this and Jimmy certainly didn't deserve what happened to him. There was _no_ divine reason or plan to any of it. _No_ point for the sadistic torture HYDRA puts people through. No gracious, almighty God would let what happened to have happened."

At my words about God, Laura and Clint look, if possible, more distraught than any other point in my story. Clint's never really believed there was a God and Laura might believe in God but she's not very religious. But my mother raised me to be proud of my Jewish heritage and whether we went to Temple weekly or not, she raised me so I'd never question that there was a God out there. My mom was rarely a strict parent on any point- rules tended to be more like 'guidelines'- but on the existence of God…that was the one point in our house that she was strict on. It's one thing I never had a reason to question until a year ago. And I know that hearing my complete, utter lack of belief has hit my cousins hard.

"I know what it's like to have your mind violated by that scepter, Felicity… To feel that you've been taken apart and shoved back in all wrong. But you're still human. You're still you."

I just stare at my cousin for a moment. I know he's trying to help. He's just trying to help. But he needs to understand that my mind- the thing that always made _Felicity_ into _Felicity_ \- is not the same anymore.

"Clint, all that information I got the day I left? I didn't download it onto a USB or a phone or something. I downloaded it into my mind." Laura and Clint stare at me for a moment.

"I'm sorry, you did _what_?" asks Laura. I stand up and walk over to the lamp.

"The lamp runs on electricity which means I can do this to it:" I hover my hand over the lamp and force the electricity to leave the lightbulb and form a ball of sparking blue/white currents in my hand. Then I put it back before facing my cousin and his wife again- expressions of shocked awe on their faces. "I can absorb and manipulate electrical energy. However, I can also create it," I say turning back to the lamp and adding electrical energy to it- brightening the living room.

"But this… _connection_ ," I spit out angrily, "doesn't stop with the physical. My mind has expanded to become like a computer. By touching anything with an electrical current running through it, I can download information from it into me. I know every single wire inside this lamp, the exact placement of each wire, and how long those wires have been in that lamp just by touching it. I've _downloaded_ it into my mind. Whatever my mind is now might still be some version of human but…it doesn't _feel_ human. It feels like my mind was carved away to make room for something else. Something that doesn't see and hear like a human but rather like a computer. I see data and energy. I see and hear electrical pulses and electrical currents in machines, in the air….even the ones in people."

"What do you mean you see electrical currents in _people_?"

"Neurons, Clint. Electrical synapses. I look at you and Laura and I see you as you are but I also see and hear the electricity between your neurons. I don't know how to describe it. Things look the same as before but…there's just _more_. It took about three months for me to fully control it and get my mind sane and able to focus again. At first I thought the scientists allowed so long for my head to straighten and enhancements to be controlled because they were going to make me use them when I was forced to kill again. And, as I found out the day I escaped when getting all the info they had, _eventually_ that was the plan. But the immediate reason for me to be in control and sane was even more…disturbing."

"What do you mean…?" asks Clint with a clear edge of worry and fear in his voice. The unasked part of _'how can it possibly get more disturbing?'_ lingers between the three of us.

Before answering, I close my eyes and picture the moment that I chose to kiss Jimmy. One way or another HYDRA was going to get their sick desire for him to impregnate me but kissing him- that didn't _have_ to happen. That was something _I_ chose to do and the moment I chose to do that was the moment I knew that Jimmy would be the only man that I could ever fall in love with. I might never see him again and I might never have the chance to really fall in love with him yet I still believe that he's the only one I _can_ fall in love with. His presence in my life and everything I went through with him carved a permanent placement for him in my heart and in my life. Even if that place for him in my life remains empty forever, it will always belong to James Buchanan Barnes.

"Felicity?" At Laura's voice I shake myself out of my musings and look back at my family.

"About two months ago Jimmy- Bucky- was brought into my room. The guard who brought him left us alone and Jimmy sat next to me in silence for a bit. I'd figured at first that he was just there because he had a mission soon and they were letting him see me but it turned out that he was there for the third and last experiment HYDRA did on me."

I pause and let my words sink in the minds of the two beside me. Anger is clear in both of them as well as fear and sorrow but looking at Clint, I see something else- something that is part of what makes him one of the best spies in the world. And that's understanding things that others don't until they're laid in front of them. The cousin I see as an older brother has the look of horrible understanding growing in his eyes.

"I am begging you, Felicity," he whispers fervently through a clenched jaw. "I am _begging_ you to tell me that they didn't make him do what I'm thinking they did." Laura looks between Clint and I in confusion.

"What are you talking about?" I barely glance at Laura before swallowing thickly and telling Clint,

"I can't tell you what you want to hear, Clint."

Clint just stares at me for a moment. Then he shocks me by tears falling from his eyes and pulling me into a desperate hug. Out of the corner of my eye I see Laura staring at us with bewildered fear but I focus on my cousin and his need to know I'm alright. I return the hug tightly and just let him try to give me the comfort no one can give. It's about a minute or so when Laura says,

"Would someone _please_ tell me what's going on?" I pull away from Clint who keeps an arm around me and we both look to Laura.

"The third experiment, Laura…was procreation by two enhanced individuals." That horrible understanding that her husband had enters her eyes and she reaches for my hands in the same desperate way Clint had hugged me.

"They triggered him to…?" I purse my lips.

"Partially. They have a lot of different behavioral triggers. They triggered the forced-impulse to obey that they had created over decades of conditioning, They told me I was 'his mission' but they didn't trigger him to be numb the way he is when ordered to kill- probably because they were hoping his feelings for me would help the mission along but, it turned out that was the mistake that cost them."

"What do you mean? How?"

"Because, Clint, HYDRA had been screwing up for years and didn't know it. Bucky Barnes had been under their control for so long that their arrogant, coldhearted minds couldn't possibly imagine that some silly little prisoner could do anything to change that. They thought that by using his feelings for me and my feelings for him, they were in control when in fact doing so was their Achilles heel. Over the course of three years they _let_ and even encouraged their precious Winter Soldier to fall in love with me and by doing so James Barnes was able to break through 70 years of programming and brainwashing and torture. Like you two, I was horrified when he told me what his 'mission' was and when he saw that, for the first time in fifty years, he tried fighting against his orders."

"Damn…" I smile a little at Clint's understated exclamation and nod.

"But…you made it sound like the…like HYDRA _did_ get him to do it." Laura comments in confusion. I nod.

"They did. Because I couldn't bear to see the pain that struggling caused him and knew that in the end he wouldn't be strong enough to resist. So I made the decision to make the best of a horrible situation and I kissed him and we, uh, did what HYDRA brought him to do that night. And every night for weeks they brought him to me for that but they never triggered him again and that was their downfall. He was already in love with me by then- at least the part of him that's him was- and they did nothing to stop what became their biggest mistake.

"See, one night Jimmy and I were talking a bit before going to sleep and I told him I was afraid. HYDRA checked to see if I was pregnant every two weeks and the next morning I was going to be checked again. Two weeks earlier I wasn't pregnant but I _knew_ that this time the diagnosis would be different- I don't know how but I did and last week I got three sticks proving I was right. But that night I whispered to Jimmy that I was afraid. I was afraid because I knew that I'd die inside if my child was taken away from me. HYDRA did horrible, sickening things to me for four years and I never broke but I knew that if they took a child away from me would be the thing that would break me. Assuming I don't die from this pregnancy since let's face it, I'm enhanced by alien technology so not even the people who made me into whatever I am knew what'll happen by me being prego." Clint and Laura both start to angrily interrupt at that last fact but I talk over them:

"Anyways, I told Bucky about being afraid; confided in him in a way I rarely did before. But he didn't really respond to it. I figured that maybe there was no point to confiding in him and that whether he cares about me or not, at the end of the day he was still HYDRA's asset. But the next morning he kissed me in a way that was…confusing and scared me. It scared me because it seemed like he was saying goodbye. I figured I had to be reading things wrong. Turns out I wasn't; he was saying goodbye because when the guards came in to take me to the doctors, he grabbed them and told me to run. And that's exactly what I did.

"I don't know how many I killed on my way out. I know I incapacitated pretty much all of the guards who tried to stop me from leaving and I shot and electrocuted some of them but I'm not sure if I killed any of them. I know I must have killed at least some in the explosion- I electrocuted gas tanks and heaters- but some probably got out too. Maybe the girl I was four years ago would've regretted killing even people as bad as them but honestly, after everything they did to me and Jimmy I can't bring myself to feel any regret if I did.

"The only guilt and regret I feel about what I did is that I know there were other prisoners there and…they likely didn't get out. And Jim-Bucky…I think he would've gotten out- he's too important to HYDRA for them not to have saved him and even if they didn't, with his abilities…but I guess I can't be sure. If he's dead because of me…" I clear my throat and furiously wipe the tears from my eyes before they have the chance to fall past my lashes.

"That was a month ago. I probably could have gotten here sooner but I had to get a hold of a passport and money and make sure HYDRA wouldn't be able to track my real location. I mean, I destroyed the base _I_ was in but HYDRA's in SHIELD for God's sake- they might not be as smart as me but they've got a hell of a lot of resources. So I had to leave a trail but one they'd believe. They took me initially because they knew I'm smart so they know I'd have tried to trick them into leaving a trail but also hiding as best as possible. What they don't know, is everything that alien scepter did to me.

"They know of the electricity thing obviously. And they know something happened to my mind in the beginning because it was obvious I couldn't focus on anything and was hallucinating. But they don't know about the data-absorption thing- I was able to keep that from them while they had me learning to absorb and input energy from electrical-powered objects which means that I was able to get my hands on a computer after escaping I was able to trick them. It also means they don't know I got all the information on their computers before destroying them.

"I did all the things I used to be able to do- delete traffic sightings of me, place my image in places I wasn't, create a fake I.D. and then delete it, take a bunch of cash from misdirected sources, etcetera. But because I can understand the exact specifications and limitations and… _everything_ about whatever electrical object I touch, I could lead them on a false trail of the false trails. And even once I did all that I had to take multiple different flights and steal cars and repeat the process of hiding my real trail to Starling. And aft-"

"Wait, Starling?" asks Clint. "There's no way you went to see Donna and she didn't tell me." I shake my head.

"I didn't see my mom. Well, I did but _she_ didn't see _me_. Before coming here I had to make sure everyone was alright and...they still had a HYDRA agent in the SCPD. I, um, got rid of him. Maybe I should've found another way besides killing the guy but I couldn't take the chance. And of everyone I've killed, killing the psychos threatening my family and friends isn't exactly at the top of my guilt pile. I let the real Feds deal with the HYDRA agents that were supposedly FBI but-"

"- _That was you?_ " Interrupt Laura and Clint together.

"It was all over the news a couple weeks ago that there had been moles in the FBI. Fury was pissed that the Feds wouldn't tell SHIELD who they were", elaborates Clint. I nod.

"Yup, that was me. And, honestly, even if the FBI _had_ told SHIELD who they were it wouldn't have been the truth since _they_ didn't know they were really HYDRA. I snuck into a tech store in Paris one night and fed all the necessary info about what they were doing and proof they weren't really FBI to a fake location and then had it all delivered as an anonymous e-mail and then got it printed at the post-office, deleted the e-mail trace, and got a bike messenger to pick up the printed documents and deliver them. What I didn't tell them were _who_ they were really working for. HYDRA can't be taken on by the FBI." Clint nods grimly.

"No, they can't. That's a job for the Avengers." I frown a little- there was mentioning about the Avengers Initiative in some of the HYDRA files but it didn't give much detail. All I know is that it's related to SHIELD and Nick Fury came up with the project.

"Yeah…HYDRA had that name related to a couple plans but they didn't carry much info on it. What's an Avenger?" Clint and Laura share a heavy glance and then Clint shakes his head and stands up.

"I'll tell you all about it after you've had a good twelve hours of sleep, little cousin." He glances quickly at my flat stomach and swallows- worry evident in his face. "It's about damn time you got some rest."

* * *

 ** _Chapter 3 Teaser:_**

 _(Natasha to Steve): "That information you asked me to get? I have it but before you go off following it, there's someone you need to talk to."_


	4. Chapter 3: Bucky's Girl

**So sorry, about the late update- school's been absolutely crazy the last few weeks (Midterms, papers, and projects galore!). I promise Chapter 4 will be up a lot sooner than this one was. This is a bit of a filler chapter but necessary for the story. Thanks so much for the support and hope you enjoy chapter 3. Read, review, and without further ado...**

 **(*)= from Winter Soldier movie**

 **I don't own Marvel, DC, Arrow, or the Avengers.**

* * *

Chapter 3: Bucky's Girl

(April 5th, 2014- Natasha's POV)

"Natasha, we need to talk." I turn behind me to face Maria.

"We're preparing to infiltrate SHIELD and HYDRA, Maria. I don't think now's the time for a chit-chat."

"It's going to have to be. Barton contacted me. Says he's been trying to get in touch with you. I told him what's been going on and his response was that 'even HYDRA can wait two minutes for this'."

I frown at my friend with growing worry. Clint's put his whole life on hold more than once for SHIELD. There are very, very few things I can imagine that could make him say HYDRA could wait and all of them regard his family's life on the line.

"Did he tell you anything?" Maria hesitates.

"Barely. But what he did say…I shouldn't be the one you hear it from." She hands me her own cell. "Call him now. You have to go to SHIELD before the rest of us." With that she walks away.

"Maria?" answers Clint when he picks up.

"No, just using her phone. You do know we're in a crisis at the moment, right?"

"It's not the only crisis, Tash." I pause at his response. There's something very weird in his voice…

I've known Clint Barton since I was 20 years old. He's my best friend. And I have _never_ heard what I hear in his voice now. It's fear, but not just any kind of fear. The kind of honest, painful, nightmare-inducing fear that paralyzes you. The kind of fear that turns you into a helpless child.

"Clint…what the hell is going on…?"

"…Felicity's alive."

Two words. Two words and I feel like the world has flipped upside down. I only knew Clint's cousin for a little over four years before she was gone from the world and, rationally, I shouldn't have mourned her as much as I did. I didn't get to see her often or talk to her much so it would've made more sense to mourn her simply because my closest friend lost someone he loved, not because it felt as personal as it had. And yet, Clint's baby cousin had made almost as much of an impact on me as Clint himself did.

Clint was the one who saved me from the path my life was put on. He was the one who gave me a way to right my wrongs and clear the red from my past. SHEILD may have been HYDRA in disguise but nonetheless I have helped people- saved people- because Clint took a chance on me. But it wasn't until I met a fifteen year old girl who was too smart for her own good and wore her heart on her sleeve that I actually believed I could change and get past my darkness. I remember her exact words that made me believe it:

 _"You know, I might only be a fifteen year old genius and barely know you, but I can tell you have a lot to offer the world. You have a light inside you. My cousin obviously sees that otherwise he wouldn't have taken a chance on you- you just have to choose to see it too."_

"… _How?_ " I ask Clint. "Where has she been all this time?"

"The Feds that took her and Cooper Seldon weren't Feds, Tasha. They were HYDRA. Until a month ago she…she was a prisoner of theirs." I close my eyes and grit my teeth at that. How many more people's lives has HYDRA ruined?

"Please tell me you've taken care of those bastards."

"No- Felicity did that before I had the chance. Those moles in the FBI that were found a few weeks ago?" I can't help smirking a little at that- of course. Even four years of being a prisoner of terrorists can't stop the rebel hero in Felicity Smoak.

"Felicity was the source."

"Yeah." Neither of us say anything more for a moment before I ask the question I'm both desperate to know and dreading to find out:

"What happened to her, Clint?" He pauses for a long while. Then, with a pained strain in his voice, tells me,

"A lot. And I'm sure a lot more that she hasn't shared. I need you to come to the homestead when you a get through with everything with SHEILD. And…Felicity needs you to bring Cap along." My brows crease.

"And why exactly would she ask me to bring Steve along? I know you, Clint, and I know you'd refuse to let anyone know she's alive who doesn't have to right now."

"You're right…and he has to. I…I can't tell you everything but Felicity's got some damn good reasons to talk to Cap specifically. One of them…is that four three years she's known Bucky Barnes." I pause for only a moment before telling him,

"We'll be there as soon as possible."

…

(April 7th, 2014- the graveyard with Sam and Fury)

(Steve's POV)

"Anybody asks for me, tell them they can find me right here,"(*) Fury says- nodding to the gravestone before us. I nod back as I grasp the man's hand in farewell. For now at least…

"You should be honored. That's the closest he ever gets to saying 'thank you'." (*) Both Sam and I turn to the voice of Natasha as she walks towards us and as Fury leaves.

"Not going with him?" (*) I ask lightly; walking over to her as well.

"No," (*) she responds with a fervent tone but a light expression.

"Not staying here," (*) I conclude though. My partner for the last year- now my friend- shakes her head.

"I blew all my covers. I gotta go figure out a new one."(*)

"Might take a while."(*) She smiles.

"I'm counting on it."(*) The smile suddenly fades and for the first since I've met her, I see Natasha Romanoff hesitate. "Before that though…there's somewhere you and I need to go." I frown at the woman and friend in front of me.

"Why?"

"That information you asked me to get? I have it but before you go off following it, there's someone you need to talk to. …Someone who knows more about him than I'd ever be able to find."

"Who?" I ask quickly- my heart shooting up to my throat and thumping loudly. "Where are they?"

"Someone who, until a few days ago, I'd thought was dead for the past four years. And the location is secret, which is part of why I need to go with you and why Bird Boy needs to stay behind." I pause at her words. If whoever this is has something to tell me about Bucky and they've been presumed dead for four years then…

"HYDRA?" She nods stiffly. "Do you know anything about the information this person has?"

"No. I haven't actually spoken to her. All I know is she turned up three days ago on a family member's doorstep, that she's been HYDRA's prisoner, she has info about your friend, and that she asked to speak to you specifically. I can tell you about her on our way there."

"Let's go."

…

"So how do you know the woman we're meeting?"

"Barton introduced us about a year after I joined SHIELD. She was 15 at the time if I remember right."

"How old is she now? And why would Barton introduce you to a 15 year old girl?"

"She'd be almost 24 now. End of next month she will be. He introduced us because she was staying at his house when I went to meet his wife." I just look at Nat and the longer I do the wider her smirk becomes. "You alright there, old man?" I throw a glare at her which just widens her smirk even more.

"I don't know which part of all that to question first, Romanoff." Her smirk turns to a more genuine expression and she nods.

"When Clint joined SHIELD Fury helped keep his family from their radar so that they wouldn't be in danger by association. And given what SHIELD apparently was it's a damn good thing he did. He and his wife, Laura, have a son and daughter but it's not just them Clint was protecting. His cousin, Donna Smoak, and her daughter, Felicity, are the only other family he and Laura have. Felicity is who we're going to see."

"How did Barton's cousin end up a HYDRA prisoner?" Nat closes her eyes for a moment which tells me that this situation is harder for her than she wants to let on. Apparently Clint's cousin was important to her and that says quite a lot about this girl.

"Felicity's a genius. A prodigy in technology to the point that she could give Stark a run for his billions." I start a bit in disbelief at that- while he could use a lesson in humility, I can't deny there's a reason Tony's widely considered the brightest technological mind there is.

"Seriously?"

"Yup. In regards to software at least- Stark would probably have her beat at the hardware side of it. But yes, Felicity is Tony Stark and Bruce Banner level smart. And like Stark, she went off to MIT at the age most people are in high school. At 19 she'd gotten two bachelor's degrees and was in her last year of getting her Master's degrees in Computer Science and Cyber Security. Given all that, it's not hard to see why HYDRA would want her." No, it certainly isn't. Someone that intelligent being under HYDRA's control would make them very happy and be very dangerous for everyone else.

"Not that I have any doubt HYDRA was more than capable of it, but how'd they make it look like she'd died?" Natasha pauses for a moment and when she answers I can tell her mind is somewhere else.

"Felicity's always had a heart of gold. She was one of the most caring, forgiving, beautiful people I've ever met. She was this loveable dork who talked too much. But she was also more curious than anyone should be and- even though she didn't show it- she was insecure of herself.

"Her father is where she gets her genius but that's the only good thing he ever did for her or her mother. He abandoned them when Felicity was only four and never paid Donna a cent of child support. Apparently Clint wasn't surprised when it happened- he'd never liked Noah Kuttler and obviously for good reason. And even the intelligence Felicity got from him wasn't always a good thing. Like I said, she was too curious for her own good. Mix that with her abilities and intelligence and she was asking for trouble eventually.

"That trouble came in the form of Cooper Selden- her boyfriend at MIT and the first guy she ever loved. He was a smart tech-kid too and he made Felicity feel special and loved in a way she never had before. But to the people who cared about her, he was Felicity's version of Noah. From what I know of the relationship, I got the impression that he did love her back but he used her too and he led her down a path that…it wasn't good. Cooper was an arrogant, angry, misguided kid and he fed Felicity's own anger.

"They apparently formed some sort of hacktivist group and I can see how it would appeal to Felicity. She was always wanting to be a hero of sorts in her own right- wanting to better the world- but as angry as she was back then, saving the world as a rebel would've been the way she'd go about it. Wrong thing for the right reasons, I guess. No one knew about it until the day she and Cooper were arrested by the FBI. Or- according to Clint- what we all _thought_ was the FBI." I close my eyes for a second as I'm flooded with grim understanding.

"HYDRA. They impersonated the FBI?" Nat's jaw clenches.

"No. According to Clint- who again got it from Felicity- SHIELD wasn't the only government agency HYDRA had a hand in." Anger bubbles up in my gut.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner? Does Fury know th-?"

"-They aren't there anymore. Those four FBI agents that were on the news a month ago for being moles? Those were all that HYDRA had in the FBI. And that's just a small sample of what Felicity can do to someone when her hands are at a computer." I gape for a moment and Nat's signature smirk slides back into place.

" _She's_ how the director of the FBI found them? I thought the information was hand-delivered through a mail carrier."

"It was but Felicity was behind it all. And I've no doubt she didn't even have to leave her computer. I'm sure she'll be happy to demonstrate her abilities after she tells you about Barnes." I nod and it's silent for a moment. "Anyways, the FBI-HYDRA agents had gotten a lead on some hacker at MIT who turned out to be Cooper. The arrogant idiot had tried wiping student loans with a computer virus Felicity had created but he overestimated his abilities and led HYDRA straight to him. Felicity, being who she was, admitted to creating the virus he used thinking that his sentence would be lessened and it might've if they were actually the Feds. About an hour after they were taken, there was a fire that killed dozens at the supposed place Cooper and Felicity were being held. Donna was given a pile of ashes and told it matched her daughter's DNA." I rub my forehead in frustration for a moment- thoughts of all the lives HYDRA hurt or ruined running through my mind.

"Does her mother know she's alive?"

"I don't know for sure but I doubt it. Whatever happened to Felicity…Clint sounded scared. I've never heard him sound like that and I've known the guy for nine years. Neither Clint nor Felicity would tell Donna anything if Felicity's still in danger from HYDRA. Barton's familial ties to Felicity might be hidden from HYDRA but Donna's aren't." I nod.

"And HYDRA would likely jump at the chance to get Felicity back under their thumb so staying away from her mother is, unfortunately, a good idea. We know HYDRA isn't opposed to harming innocents to get their target."

"Exactly. One of the reasons we left Bird Boy behind- as few as possible should know Felicity's alive let alone here," Nat says as she turns the car around a corner of trees to an open piece of land and farmhouse.

I smile lightly and look around as she continues down a long drive. If you're looking for a hidden sanctuary of sorts, this certainly seems like a good place for it. Natasha parks the "borrowed" car beside a truck in front of the barn and we get out, heading toward the front door of Clint Barton's home. When Clint opens the door after Nat knocks, he appears older than when we last saw each other. He hugs Natasha tightly after we enter his home.

"Thank God you're alright, Nat," Barton says quietly. He then nods to me after releasing her from their hug. "Cap, it's good to see you standing too. Thanks for coming."

I take note of the clear wariness and tension in his voice- something unusual for the generally relaxed, sarcastic man. Though, admittedly, Clint and I haven't spent a whole lot of time together. I nod back and shake his hand quickly.

"Of course, it's not a problem. Natasha says your cousin has info on Bucky- I think it's her that the thanks is owed to." Clint's jaw twitches for a just a moment a spark of what looks like anger flashes through his eyes but it's too quick for me to be sure. Seems the spy is having a harder time than usual keeping his cool.

"Where is Felicity?" asks Natasha. Clint nods to the stairs stiffly and now worry is obvious in every inch of him. It's as if he's waiting for a bomb to drop in front us.

"Upstairs. She, uh, hasn't been feeling well lately so we'll have to wait to talk until her stomach cooperates enough to let her get up off the bathroom floor."

"Is it because of something HYDRA did to her?" asks Natasha quickly. Barton hesitates before muttering,

"Partially."

I glance at Natasha to see if she's as unsettled by that simple answer as I am but she doesn't look back at me. She's studying Clint intently with a frown growing steadily between her brows the longer she does. For his part, Clint Barton isn't showing either of us any attention- instead, keeping his eyes on the stairs and, probably, his ears on his family upstairs.

I focus my own better-than-average hearing on the upstairs level of the house. It seems that in one room, a small someone is playing with toys and another small someone is flipping the page of a book. A few rooms down from the two children, someone is retching (Felicity, I suppose) and someone else (who will undoubtedly turn out to Barton's wife), is combing through her hair and rubbing circles to her back. All the while whispering to her in calming tones;

"That's it, sweetie. I know it's horrible. Keep breathing. That's it." After a few more moments a hoarse voice whispers,

"Think we got lucky and I puked out my stomach this time?"

Hawkeye's wife chuckles at that and I can't help my own smile from coming forth. One sentence and I know that Felicity Smoak is as wonderful a person as Natasha said she was. Not that ever doubted her. Honestly, what makes me smile most is that it reminds me of something Bucky would've said. I look over to Barton whose worried expression hasn't changed one bit.

"Is she going to be alright?" Clint looks at us but seems to hesitate in answering. Nat only lets her best friend hesitate for a second though before impatiently reiterating,

" _Well?_ Is she?"

"Am I what?"

We all turn to the stairs and the two women walking down it. The first of the two women looks to be in her late thirties and has long brown hair, warm brown eyes, and a kind presence. The woman who'd spoken follows just behind her; blonde hair pulled up messily and blue eyes smiling with obvious intelligence. While both of them are beautiful, the younger of the two women seems to almost have a light inside her. And yet, there's a haunted sort of presence to the young woman…one that I recognize. It's the look of someone who doesn't remember freedom.

"At least I'm assuming I'm the 'she' you all are talking about," continues the blonde as they reach us- the brunette going over to wrap an arm around Clint's waist. "But, then again you know what they say about those who assume," she finishes with a smirk. I look at Tasha, Clint, and his wife to see if they understood that- given their slightly amused, affectionate looks toward the girl I'd say so.

"I, uh, don't actually know that one." The girl chuckles.

"Ah, right, you've been asleep for a while. The saying is that it 'makes an ass out of you and me'." After thinking that one through I chuckle as well.

"Sounds like something Bucky would've come up with." Her smile fades at the mention of Bucky. She shrugs a bit.

"Maybe the Bucky you knew. The Bucky I know is…quiet." My own previous amusement fades at that as well but before anymore somber moments descend she clears her throat and offers her hand for me to shake. "Felicity Smoak." I take the hand with a small smile and shake it- her grip surprisingly strong.

"Steve Rogers, ma'am." She snorts for some reason and shakes her head while muttering,

"'Ma'am'. Four years of being a HYDRA puppet and lab rat and here's Jimmy's brother calling me ' _ma'am_ '."

My eyebrows shoot up at that with both shock and confusion- who's Jimmy? At hearing a surprised sort of choking noise we both turn to Clint, his wife, and Natasha. Nat is staring at Felicity in utter horror.

" _Lab rat?!_ What the hell are you talking about?" She turns to look at Clint and his wife. "What the hell is she talking about?!" The only answer she gets from them are expressions of pain and sadness. When both Natasha and I look back at Felicity she looks at us with…pity.

"It's a long story Tasha. You should probably sit down. Clint, Laura? As much as I enjoy your tendency to hover, please don't feel like you have to stay and listen to this again." Both Bartons look torn- it's obvious that they don't want to leave Felicity but at the same time they seem wary about hearing her story again. "I'm fine guys. Really." Clint runs a hand over his face and steps toward his cousin.

"Promise you'll rest after this?" she smiles at him affectionately, if a touch sardonically.

"I'll even attempt food again, just for you." Clint rolls his eyes but smiles at her as well.

"Smart ass." Felicity grins at that.

"Of course. I'm related to you." I can't keep my own smile from coming forth and when I glance at Nat I see that she's grinning at the cousins as well- a wistfulness in the back of her eyes. Clint shakes his head and kisses Felicity's forehead before looking back at us.

"Laura and I will be upstairs with the kids- we'll have dinner when you three are through talking." Laura nods and walks over Clint but looks at Nat and I before leaving with Barton.

"Could you make sure Felicity has some water or tea to drink while-"

"-Hey," interrupts Felicity a bit sharply. "Twenty-four years old, guys. Well, okay- twenty-three. Almost twenty-four. Point is, I can take care of myself so just…just go play with your kids." Clint and Laura both pause before leaving us.

"They just care about you, Felicity," comments Nat quietly. "They missed you- we all did." The girl purses her lips for a moment before sighing.

"I realize that, Nat. But it's…hard for me not to feel a bit crowded by it all." She turns and we fallow her into the living room. As she walks, she mutters, "I'm not exactly used to being cared for anymore…"

It's obvious her words weren't meant to be heard by Nat and I but I hear them anyways and it's a painful reminder that however brightly the woman in front of us seems to shine, she's someone who's been through hell. When we get to the sitting room, Felicity sits on a chair while Nat and I take seats on a couch across from her.

It takes about fifteen minutes- no thanks to Romanoff's interruptions- for Felicity to tell Nat and I about the first year she was gone. She tells us how HYDRA took her and Cooper Selden to New Jersey (the same compound that Nat and I found at my old training base) to work for them as hackers. She tells us how she felt there was something off and looked into the people they were working for, how she refused to continue after finding out they were HYDRA, and how that refusal led to her and Cooper being brought to Russia to be experimented upon. She tells us what the experiments were- how they were using Bucky's blood to try and replicate the HYDRA version of Erskine's serum. And with an aura of weariness and old pains never fully healed, about how Cooper and everyone else besides her had died from them. At this point she pauses and glances at me with an odd air about her- as if she's nervous about my coming reaction.

"What is it, Felicity?" asks Nat- having of course seen the same nervousness as I.

"It…it's just that this is where Jimmy comes into the story…" I frown in confusion a bit and with a quick glance to Nat I see that she's confused as well.

"You've mentioned that name before…who's Jimmy?" I ask her.

"Oh, sorry. Force of habit. Jimmy is what I called Bucky. He didn't know who he was and I didn't realize who he was until later on and when he kept coming to see me I wanted to have a name to call him since I wasn't about to call him 'Asset' which was the only name he gave me so I, um, yeah. I named him Jimmy. Then I realized the irony of that name when I found out who he was."

"What do you mean he 'kept coming to see you'?"

I can understand the nervousness in Natasha's voice when she asks the question but I can't help the small flare of anger I feel at it either. Truthfully, she has every right to be worried about a HYDRA assassin's reason for visiting this girl who'd been a prisoner of HYDRA. But even knowing what he is now, my immediate desire is to defend him and say that he would never hurt her. But I can't say that…so I don't say anything. Instead, choosing to wait for Felicity's response to Natasha.

"He's never been a danger to me, Natasha," she says quietly.

"Felicity-" the moment the warning tone comes from Natasha's mouth, Felicity visibly tenses. In fact, she seems almost angry.

"- _Hey!_ You don't get to do that, Tasha! You don't get to take that warning, patronizing tone with me. I'm not a teenager anymore and you might think you know about the Winter Soldier because you've met him, fought him, but you have _no_ clue. None." Natasha stares back at Felicity for a moment before responding with a simple,

"Then tell us." Felicity nods and visibly backs down. It makes me curious why she seemed almost… _defensive_ of Bucky.

"The Winter Soldier is a program, not a person. It's set to force a mind into complete compliance through conditioning and set triggers. It could be done on anyone but it takes years to perfect because it takes years to repress who someone is and their memories. But that's the problem with trying to program a human being- all you can do is repress. You can't get rid of it." My heart leaps at that.

"So you're saying he's still him? That he can be saved?" She hesitates and studies me for a moment before answering.

"Yes and no… There are certain things about a person that you can't change- the essence of who they are, so to speak. But experiences are powerful and they do change people. There's a part of Bucky that is still him but at the same time, he's never going to be the Bucky you remember from seventy years ago. And if he ever gets through HYDRA's programming, he probably won't even be the guy I came to know. I saw everything that happened with SHIELD and HYDRA the past few days so I know that Bucky isn't under control by HYDRA anymore but…the last thing you want to do is try to force him into remembering. I've seen what can happen to him if he tries to force himself to go against whatever's been put into his head at the moment and…it's not good." I sigh and nod at her words. Some of it is exactly what I'd hoped and other parts of it…I'll just have to learn to accept.

"How do you know so much about him?" I ask Felicity. "You mentioned him coming to visit you- why would he do that? Why would HYDRA let him?" Natasha looks at Felicity with an eagerness for answers to those questions.

"HYDRA's reasoning…at the beginning I can't be quite sure why they let him visit me but the reason they continued…" Felicity pauses for a moment and looks between Natasha and I, eventually focusing on me. "I used to sing in my room and three years ago Jimmy- Bucky- was taken out of cryo-freeze for the first time in two years for a mission. He and guards walked past my room and he heard me singing. They came in and…I knew I should have been afraid of him but I wasn't because…because his eyes were curious. He just looked at me and said, 'Пойте, Annie'."

"He what?" asks Nat with shock clearly laced in her voice. I look between the two women confused.

"Why? What does that mean?"

"It means 'sing, Annie'," answers Nat- a contemplative frown now crossing her face. As the name registers I whip my head back to face Felicity.

"He called you 'Annie'?" She nods.

"I've never known who that was and he never called me that any other time so I didn't ask. Plus, I doubted _he_ even knew who he was talking about. Who was she?"

"She…she was a girl we knew who went to school with us. She became a singer at this little jazz club after high school. When we were eighteen she and Buck…Annie was the only dame he'd ever really fallen for but she died from TB in '37. But if he called you her name that means-"

"-Some part of him remembered her. Yeah, they did their best to repress his entire life but every once and a while if something particular would happen, some stirring of his old memories would surface."

"Then why did he almost kill, Steve?"

"Because they would've wiped his mind again. They wouldn't have sent him after his best friend without making absolutely sure he wouldn't recognize him. After what happened they probably wiped me from his mind too."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I'll get to that. Like I said, J-Bucky kept visiting me. And then…HYDRA started encouraging it because I became another tool they could use to keep him on track. He…liked spending time with me and if they promised that he could see me, well, he was an even better lap dog for them." I wince at that term- the idea of Bucky as anyone's lap dog is horrible. Felicity sees my reaction and smiles sadly. "Sorry. But, what should make you feel better, is that HYDRA did exactly the wrong thing- encouraging him to care for me ended up being their Achilles heel."

Felicity goes onto explain how over the years Bucky and Felicity became close and how HYDRA tried to use that closeness. She explains how she gained a diluted version of Bucky's and my own enhancements, how she was forced to kill for HYDRA to save her mother, step-family, and keep them from torturing Bucky. By the time she gets to telling Nat and I how HYDRA got a hold of Loki's scepter and has been using it to experiment on people, including her, I've got the clear sense that the woman in front of me isn't simply someone who knows about my best friend. She isn't even someone who simply cares about his wellbeing- this is a girl whose grown to have reel feelings for Bucky. And from her story, I know it's true the other way around as well.

"So…let me get this straight," Nat says when Felicity pauses. "You were experimented on and became the less-enhanced girl-version super-soldier while everyone else died, then they forced you to kill people, and then they experimented on you again with Loki's alien scepter while, once again, everyone but you died?"

"Yup…pretty much." For the first time since meeting Natasha Romanoff, she seems lost in what to say. Neither she nor Felicity seem to want to take it on themselves to break the heavy silence that's now descended on the three of us so I choose to:

"What happened with the scepter? Given that you survived the experiments when no one else did…?" I let my question trail off at the end but Felicity understands it- nodding in confirmation.

"I was changed by it. I, um, control and create electrical currents. And I'm…I have mental changes too. It's hard for me to explain that part but…it's like my mind was mutated in order to accommodate a computer." I stare at Felicity for a moment trying to process that but I can't. Nat and I glance at each other for a second before she asks the obvious;

"Excuse me?" Felicity sighs and rubs at her temples.

"I told you it's hard to explain. I…I can absorb data from any electrically powered instrument- computers, lamps, electrically powered cars, etcetera. I touch the object and know every part of it and everything it has in it. I see electrical currents in the air and in the neural synapses of people. I see data and patterns in a way that isn't…it isn't human logic. It's mechanical logic. I mean, I understand all the human logic too it's just…it's like there's a computer within my mind. I don't know how else to explain it to you." Natasha and I sit on that information for a while and the more I think about it the more disturbing the implications of it become.

"How long was all of this?" asks Nat eventually. "It was about 2 years ago that we got Loki's scepter and HYDRA must have gotten it from their people in SHIELD…"

"The experiments on me and my…changes…lasted a total of eleven months but they got a hold of the scepter maybe a month or so before that. And it took about three months for me to control it and, um, be able to focus on the world again." At mine and Nat's questioning expressions she explains, "While my mind and body was changing I wasn't exactly, uh, sane. It took a while for my mind and body to stabilize. I mean, it's not exactly natural to be mutated by alien technology."

"Does that have something to do with why you haven't been feeling well?" asks Nat- anger clear in her tone but with an undercurrent of worry as well. "Clint said it had something to do with what HYDRA did to you." Felicity gets that look of someone lost in their memories and it takes a moment for her to focus back upon Natasha and I.

"I'm not sick because of what the scepter did. I mean, it probably plays a part but it's not the direct reason."

"What is it then?" Felicity looks between the two of us for a second before turning to look out of the window. She doesn't look back at us when she starts speaking.

"HYDRA understands the weaknesses of people. They have a talent for exploiting those. But they don't understand the strengths of humankind…they underestimate life and love and friendship and the capacity we all have for those. If they had understood…if they'd understood the lengths people will go to protect and survive…they never would've done what they did to Jimmy and I."

Felicity turns back to Natasha and I- her expression is sad, lonely even, and yet her eyes blaze with determination and ferocity. It's the look of a soldier willing to sacrifice everything for what's right; someone willing to walk through fire without a moment of hesitation. It's this expression, this moment, that I truly understand how special the woman before me is and how Buck fell for her even through HYDRA's control. Felicity Smoak is truly one of a kind and that deserves to be protected.

"The day I escaped, I downloaded all their data into my mind- plans, names, files, everything- and then destroyed it all. I exploded the facility- probably killed half of the people there in doing so. But none of that would've happened if J-Bucky didn't care about me. To protect me…to protect _us_ , he did the impossible; he went against the people who controlled him. He's the reason I escaped." A mix of hopefulness and pure confusion fill my chest at her words. When I glance at Nat, a confused frown graces her symmetrical features.

"How is that possible, Felicity? HYDRA's ability to control Bucky's actions and mind after all this time is horribly adept. You even said that if he ever tried disobeying his orders, it wouldn't end in his favor."

"I also said that HYDRA underestimates what they don't understand. They did the exact wrong thing by letting Bucky care for me because when the time came, and the opportunity arose, even all their power over him couldn't keep him from choosing us." I frown a bit- something about her wording isn't sitting right with me…

"What do you mean by 'us', Felicity? It's not like Bucky was able to escape with you." The young blonde before us takes a steadying breath.

"Here goes nothing…" Felicity squares her shoulders and that single action fills me with dread. "Some of the data I downloaded was information on Bucky and I- more specifically, their plans for the two of us. They were going to start the Winter Soldier programming on me- brainwash and condition me the way they had Bucky- but before that they planned to create an elite squad of Winter Soldiers…through us. So the last experiment that I went through before I escaped- that J-Bucky and I went through together- was, um, an experiment on- on procreation between enhanced individuals. If it…was successful the first time, they were going to have us do, uh, that again and again before putting me through the programming…so they'd end up with a family of assassins under their control… I didn't know all this when Bucky helped me escape but I knew they'd take our child away from us and raise them in HYDRA's image. I told him how afraid I was of that happening and so he protected us…because he cared for us."

Shock. Horror. Disgust. My entire being is filled with those emotions after hearing what HYDRA forced Felicity and Bucky into and what their plans were. Felicity's right that I don't really know the man Bucky is anymore but whoever he is or will become, I know now that he loves Felicity Smoak. And I can't imagine the anguish he'd be feeling at what happened to the woman he loves and the fear he would've had for her and…and his child.

His child…

Holy cow…Bucky's going to be a father.

"You're…you're _pregnant_ ," states Nat after a long while of heavy silence. "That's why you've been sick? Because HYDRA forced the Winter Soldier to _impregnate you_?!" Felicity nods slowly.

"Yes. But we…well, we don't know exactly how all the experiments will have effected this so…I don't have any idea how normal this pregnancy will be or if…we just don't know," she finishes in a whisper.

"But you're going to be alright eventually, right? I mean even the average woman gets sick while they're pregnant, right?" Even as I ask those questions, I remember Clint's response earlier when we asked if she'd be alright. Felicity's only response is to inform us,

"Clint asked Dr. Banner to come check on me. We'll know more then, I suppose."

"Felicity…" Nat just trails off- obviously she doesn't really know what to say to Felicity any more than I do. Felicity just nods.

"I'll let you guys…process. I'm going to go let Clint, Laura, and the kids know we're done. Clint'll probably enforce rest upon me while dinner's being prepared so I'll see you guys later, I guess," she says while standing.

Natasha looks like she wants to protest Felicity's leaving but doesn't say anything. Felicity gives her a small smile of understanding and grips her hand for a second before leaving the room and heading upstairs. I watch the young woman walk away for a moment- a heavy weight of worry settling over my chest- before turning to my partner whose head is in her hands.

"You alright, Nat?" She just gives me a sardonic look at the question and I put my hands up in surrender- something only Natasha Romanoff can get me to do. "Right; sorry I asked. No one's really alright at the moment, are we?" Natasha sighs lightly.

"I know you didn't know her before but that girl deserved the world, Steve…not to have the world taken from her. She was never supposed to be touched by darkness like the rest of us. If anyone was going to escape it, it was supposed to be her."

"Felicity might not be alright now but she will be in the end, Natasha. I promise you that." My partner glances over to the stairs that the woman in question hand ascended so recently.

"As much as I'd like to believe you- as much as we all would- how can you possibly make that promise? We don't even know exactly what's happening to her now let alone what will happen to her later on." I place a hand on her shoulder and grip it lightly.

"Maybe not…but I failed Bucky all those years ago; I failed the only family I had left. I'm not about to let that happen again. So no matter what I need to do to ensure it, I'm going to make damn sure Bucky's girl is alright. …That they're all going to be alright."

* * *

 ** _Chapter 4 Teaser:_**

 _It hurts. It all hurts so much. Can't think. Can't think. Obey. Obey who? There's a war. No, a mission. Fight. Cold. So very, very cold. Obey. Who do I obey? Asset obeys. Asset. Asset. I am-_

 _"Jimmy."_


	5. Chapter 4: Fights Worth Choosing

**AN: Yay! Bucky's back in the story! I really enjoyed writing this chapter and really hoped I got Bucky's POV right so I hope you all enjoy it too. As always, thank you for all the support and please review!** **Also: I've already decided on the sex of the baby but out of curiosity what do y'all think it'll be?!**

 **( _Italics=memories._ Song= 'From Where You Are' by Lifehouse. (**)= from Winter Soldier movie.)**

 **I don't own Marvel, DC, Arrow, or the Avengers**

* * *

 _Chapter 4: Fights Worth Choosing_

(April 11th, 2014- Bucky's POV)

(Abandoned warehouse- Washington D.C.)

It hurts. It all hurts so much. Can't think. Can't think. Obey. Obey who? There's a war. No, a mission. Fight. Cold. So very, very cold. Obey. Who do I obey? Asset obeys. Asset. Asset. I am-

 _"Jimmy."_

I blink open my eyes as suddenly, when I hear that soft voice in my mind, the pain stops. Not only the pain in my head but the lingering pain from my fight with that man. Even the hollow feeling that I can't remember ever being without seems to fade some at hearing that voice.

In my mind I see a girl. A girl with bright ocean eyes and brown hair. No. Not brown, that doesn't seem right. It should be light and golden…like her. I feel that this woman has light emanating from her very soul. She's good. She's beautiful. She's brave and kind and warm. I don't know how I can know that but...I _know_ it's true. In my mind she smiles softly but…there's pain in her eyes. Then the pain…the pain becomes worry. I close my eyes tightly as a shot of pain runs through my head as a vision, no…a _memory_ , of this girl enters my mind. She looks down upon me in worry- worry for _me_ \- and her soft hands caress my face:

 _"Please be okay, Jimmy. Please be okay…I can't be here without you." The look of sorrow and worry on the beautiful face above me causes a new feeling of hurt in my chest. I want the look gone and it brings me to speak through the haze of pain._

 _"Красота?"_

 _"Yes?" The girl asks quickly- urgently. "Yes, what is it? What can I do?"_

 _"…Пойте?" The beauty looks upon me in silent confusion for a moment before a small, bright smile plays on her lips. She nods in agreement and before she begins to sing softly, a wistful expression enters her face and she looks up to the grey wall across from us._

 _"So far away from where you are… These miles have torn us worlds apart. And I miss you… Yeah, I miss you. So far away from where you are… I'm standing underneath the stars. And I wish you…were here. I miss the years that were erased. I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face… I miss all the little things… I never thought that they'd mean everything to me. Yeah, I miss you… And I wish you…were here." Красота looks back down at me and smiles as her gentle hands once again stroke my face. I close my eyes at the unusual warmth she always brings. "I feel the beating of your heart… I see the shadows of your face… Just know that wherever you are… Yeah, I miss you… And I wish you…were here…"_

The pain leaves as the memory finishes but her face stays in my mind. Who is she? I called her 'Красота'. Beauty. I can't remember but I have a feeling that I called her that often. She knows me and I know her but…but I can't remember _how_. It's like that man I fought. He knew me too and I think I knew him but _how_? Except…the beautiful girl called me 'Jimmy' and the man called me 'Bucky'. He said my name was James Buchanan Barnes. That I'd known him my whole life…that he was my friend. But I don't _remember him_. It hurts. The confusion hurts. It all hurts.

…Who am I? Or more accurately…who _was_ I? I'm supposed to fight, kill, comply…I'm supposed to be Asset. I'm supposed to follow my orders. But…my beauty…she doesn't like that. She doesn't like _them_. And I…I _shouldn't_ want to follow them. It's…wrong? The girl and the man seem to think that's wrong but it hurts. It hurts to think about not doing what _they_ want but…what do _I_ want?

The faces of the girl and the man swim in my mind and I know there's only one answer to that question: I want to know who they are. I want to know why they know me and why I can't remember. Slowly I stand from where I had crumpled in pain on the dirty floor of this empty warehouse. I have to find a place that tells me who I am and the first place to start is whatever place tells me who that man was.

...

I can't help the uncomfortable feeling as I walk through the crowds of the "Smithsonian". I'm well aware how lucky it was that the man in that shelter who had free clothing to give away was talking about how the man who took down SHIELD had a whole section dedicated to him in this place, as it makes my search for answers much easier. And yet, lucky or not, I wish this place wasn't where I can find out about him. Crowds may mean cover if you hide well enough but they also mean your enemies have an easier time hiding too. You have to be that much more aware of the people who want you dead…or captured.

It doesn't take me long to find the section that has the image of the man I fought. Steven "Steve" Grant Rogers, it says. Captain America. There's many images of him and on one wall there's two images of the man- of Steve- but they look different. In one picture he looks the way I just saw him but in the other he's short and skinny. He looks weak but for some reason I don't think he ever was. A shot of pain runs through my head once more as another memory comes to my mind:

 _I follow Steve up the steps to his and his mother, Sarah's, apartment. Or, I suppose it's just his now._

 _"I kinda wanted to be alone." **(**)** I nod. I don't like it but I can understand that._

 _"How was it?" **(**)**_

 _"It's okay…she's next to Dad." **(**)** We get to the door and I start to say to him,_

 _"I was gonna ask-" **(**)** The punk interrupts, stubborn idiot as usual;_

 _"I know what you're going to say, Buck, I just…" **(**)** Trying to lighten his pain I don't say what I'd planned and instead say lightly- teasingly,_

 _"We can put the couch cushions on the floor like when we were kids. It'll be_ fun _\- all you gotta do is shine my shoes, maybe take out the trash." **(**)**_

 _He's ignoring me- and I can't blame him; it was a fairly futile attempt to cheer him up- while he looks for the key in his jacket pocket. As usual he forgot so I go grab it from the brick that I know the spare is always under. I hand it to him._

 _"Come on…" **(**)** Steve looks down at the key for a moment._

 _"Thank you Buck. But I can get by on my own." **(**)** I nod- I know he can. He's always been stronger than he looks._

 _"The thing is…you don't have to." **(**)** I put my hand on his shoulder and promise my closest friend- my brother; "I'm with you till the end of the line, pal." **(** ** **)**_

Till the end of the line…that's what he'd told me when I was trying to finish my mission. I wanted him to fight back but he wouldn't. I couldn't figure out why those words were so familiar and painful. I didn't know why at those words I couldn't kill him anymore. Now I do. Because it was my promise to him.

I move onto the next wall and see my own face staring back at me. Just as Steve Rogers had said, the name "James Buchanan 'Bucky' Barnes" can be read above it- the title of Sargent beside the name. I was a soldier, then. I fought in a war. From what it says I… _saved_ people. Was part of a team of…heroes?

As I read about all the good things that Sargent James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes had done (that _I_ had done), yet again, a flash of pain goes through my mind as another memory comes to me. This time it's another one of Красота:

 _"So…will you tell me your name today?"_

 _I stare at the girl for a moment. Strands of brown hair fall across her face but it doesn't distract from the curiosity in her blue-green eyes. But I don't understand why she's asking me that. I have no name._

 _"I am Asset," I tell her._ _An odd expression- something dark but…humorous?- enters her face._

 _"Yeah, I figured that one out for myself. But…what's your **name**? Like me; I'm Felicity." _

_I frown at the beautiful girl. I don't know what she- Felicity- wants from me. Felicity… I run that word- that name- through my head a few times. It's…happy? That word seems to fit her and her name but I don't know why. I'm not quite sure what happy means or why I'm thinking that it works with her but some echo tells me it does. I know not to question it though- questioning means pain._

 _"I am Asset," I repeat. A look of annoyance crosses the beauty's light face. She shakes her head at my words._

 _"I can't call you that. If you're going to visit me you need a name." She looks thoughtfully at me- studying my face. Finally she says, "I think…I think I'll call you 'Jimmy'." I cock my head slightly in confusion both at her decision and the strange feeling of familiarity the name brings._

 _"…Why will you call me that?"_

 _The girl, Felicity, her lips lift at the edges and she touches my arm softly. I can't remember being smiled at before or being touched with gentleness. It feels…nice. It's strange but I don't want her to stop._

 _"Because I can't imagine that anyone named Jimmy could be a bad person. And I think you're a good person…even if you don't know it."_

A good person? Why would she think that? I don't think she knew me well in that memory and if she knew what I've done…I don't think good people do what I've done as Asset. Then again, I'm not sure I know what "good" is anymore. I've…I've hurt people. But I was doing what I was told. I was doing what I was supposed to do. Unless…unless they were wrong.

I look over to the set-up of the "Howling Commandos"; the team I was supposedly part of. And a group of people who supposedly mourned my death. Perhaps they rightfully did…but I don't think I'm the person I was then. I don't think I'm the man they knew. I don't even know who I want to be.

Looking over to the picture of Steve Rogers- Captain America- I think of what he said: that I was his friend. But I'm not. Not now. He doesn't know me…only who I was and I don't know if I'm still that person. Maybe I'm more like the person моя красота- Felicity- thought I was. Or maybe I'm neither. Maybe I'm both. Maybe…maybe I can be someone like "Bucky". But also someone like "Jimmy".

I shut my eyes tightly as I'm suddenly overcome with feelings that I don't want: confusion, anger, longing. I almost miss the numbness I remember feeling so often. I don't know who I am, I don't know who I want to be. I hate this- I don't want these feelings. I want…

I want her. Felicity. Красота. I want her soft touch, her kindness, her warmth, her care, her beauty…her light. I need her and something that I can't understand tells me that she needs me too. I don't know why- it's not the reason from my memory- but I know there's _something_ she needs me for. She's…waiting for me.

I look over to the table nearby where I noticed paper and pens. Looking around to be sure I'm not noticed, I walk over to the table and take a sheet of paper and pen. Then I start writing:

Моя красота,

I cannot quite remember who you are. I do not know your name beyond "Felicity" or why I know you. But I see your face in my mind and remember you singing to me and being kind to me. I feel something…warm about you. I feel as if you need me- as if there is a reason I am supposed to be with you. All I know is that I need to find you and somehow I will. I promise.

There is a man who knows me. I knew him a long time ago. I went to a museum and found that we were friends once. Maybe if I find this man- this Steve Rogers- he can help me find you. Maybe he knows you too. He called me Bucky, though, and you…you called me Jimmy.

I'm writing this to be sure I don't forget you again but when I find you, perhaps I'll give it to you. I will see you again, Красота.

I miss the years that were erased. I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face. I miss all the little things. I never thought that they'd mean everything to me. I miss you and I wish you were here. I feel the beating of your heart. I see the shadows of your face. Just know that wherever you are, I miss you. And I wish you were here.

-Your Jimmy

(April 11th, 2014- Felicity's POV)

"You about ready?" I stop my tinkering of Clint's computer (it's depressing that a super-spy who's friends with Tony Stark has such a low-grade set-up) and look over to see Steve standing in the doorway of my cousin's office with a plate of food.

"To have that lunch my cousin's wife sent you to give me, to meet Bruce Banner- a.k.a. The Hulk, or to find out if and/or how my child will be effected by my now screwed up DNA curtesy of HYDRA scientists?" Steve holds my stare for a bit before dropping his gaze. His jaw tenses momentarily before answering,

"All of it, I suppose."

"Well, since I didn't vomit up last night's chicken I'm good for the first two if that's a chicken sandwich like I think it is."

"That it is," says Steve as he walks into the room and hands me the plate. He sits on the chair across from where I sit at Clint's desk.

We sit in silence for a bit as I cautiously take a few bites of the sandwich. (Doesn't _seem_ like it's going to come back up.) I'm not sure whether Steve's here to make sure I eat (I wouldn't put it past Clint and Laura to ask that of him) or if he simply wants to sit with me, but either way Captain America doesn't seem in any hurry to leave me alone or break the silence. Which is fine but, well, I've kinda learned to hate silence so it doesn't take long for me to break it.

"You and Nat didn't have to stay this long, you know. I mean, I get that you both want to know what Dr. Banner finds out but in this day-and-age there are these things called 'cell phones'." Steve sends me a wry smile and responds with sincerity in his eyes and tone;

"It's not about being here for the information, Felicity. It's about being here for you. Nat missed you as much as Clint and Laura did and, well, I need to be here for you too." I nod and take a bite of my sandwich before asking,

"For Bucky?"

"Yes. But also for me." Steve smiles a bit. "You're an easy person to like and care about, Felicity Smoak."

I smile back but don't really feel it. Steve, Natasha, Clint, and Laura might have an overall idea of what I've gone through but they don't know who I've become…not really. They haven't seen the darkness that's grown inside me through those experiences. They don't see that in the end HYDRA got their wish; that I ended up the monster HYDRA wanted me to be. I set down my half eaten sandwich.

"Do you ever wonder why? I mean why you?" Steve frowns at me.

"What do you mean?" I sigh heavily.

"I keep wondering why it was me that survived. In the first experiments I was the only one- the _only_ one that lived. There were over two dozen others and I was all that was left. And in the second round of experiments it was the same thing. I was the only one that lived. And I…I was no more deserving of life than any of the others. In fact, I deserved it less. So I keep asking why. Why me? I'm just curious if you wonder the same thing- why you were chosen? Why you became what you did? What made us the ones who survived?" Steve pauses; a thoughtful expression on his handsome face. Then he covers my clasped hands gently.

"I asked Dr. Erskine that question before the procedure; why me? He said I was chosen because as a weak man I knew the importance of strength and compassion. Because I was a good man. That might have been why I was chosen for the procedure but I think the reason I _survived it_ \- and the reason you did- isn't because we were better than others. It's because the thing we wanted most from life wasn't to live; it was to give others a reason to live and to do the right thing." I frown at him and pull my hands from his grasp.

"You only met me a few days ago, Steve. How can you know that about me? HYDRA didn't cross paths with me because I was fighting a war like you and Bucky, it was because I was a teenager arrogant in her abilities who should've left well enough alone."

"No, it was because you told them you created the computer virus even though you knew it couldn't help your boyfriend. He was still at fault but you did what was the right thing to do. And you were put into the situation where you had to survive because while Cooper, afraid of death, would've continued working for them knowing who they were, you wouldn't be the reason for hundreds of deaths. Even if it meant yours."

"But I _was_. Maybe not hundreds but I _was_ the reason people died when I knew what they were. I killed for them. They threatened my mother and step-family so I murdered for them. To save a few people I killed dozens of innocent people. And unlike Jimmy- sorry, _Bucky_ \- unlike him I _knew_ what I was doing. How the hell does that make me worth living? How does that make _me_ worthy of surviving?"

"Because it wasn't yourself you cared for- you would sacrifice your soul to save someone else. And because even then, you feel guilty for doing the only thing you felt you could. You have a light inside you, Felicity. It might be shrouded right now by what HYDRA did to you but it's there where it isn't in others. You have a strength that others don't. You were a comfort and kindness to a man who you only had reason to fear. I used to think the world could be colored black and white. And maybe it could 70 years ago. But I'm learning that that isn't the case anymore- it certainly isn't the case with Bucky… Now all we can do are make the choices we believe we have to and live with what comes after." I pause and, while I still don't feel deserving of life like he says, I smile a little.

"I can see why he loved you," I tell Steve Rogers softly. "And I know somewhere he still does." He gives me a smile in return.

"I can see why he loves you too." His smile drops slightly to be replaced with a questioning but hesitant look.

"What?"

"I don't mean to be intrusive but…do you love _him_? I know you care about him but..." I bite my lip for a moment.

"I…would. When I think about falling in love with someone he's the only person I can see. After everything I can't see myself loving anyone else like that. But I think love…I think that kind of love needs, um, a sort of freedom, I guess. You need to have the freedom to love and I- we- didn't. Him being under HYDRA's control, me being a prisoner and lab rat…I couldn't allow myself the kind of vulnerability and freedom that you need to truly fall in love. I sometimes imagined what would have happened if I was born ninety years ago or if he was born thirty years ago and we met each other… I think if that would've happened than I'd have fallen in love with him.

"And as for him…the part of him that was _him_ loved me- the part that caused him to walk into my room and ask me to sing, the part that would hold me when I was sick and ask to hear stories about my past and family, the part that they had to bury again and again. But the part of him that HYDRA controlled- that caused him to kill without hesitation, that would stare at me blankly in silence on days when they triggered him to the point of numbness…the part who hurt his best friend. That part was the Winter Soldier and that part…I think it was _drawn_ to me because it secretly craved humanity and kindness but the Winter Soldier didn't _love_ me. Does that answer your question?" Steve nods.

"You would be in love with him if you had the freedom and the chance to do so." He smirks a bit and a lightly teasing tone enters his voice; "And he'll be head-over-heels, madly in love once we get him back." I giggle lightly at his words.

"That's assuming that pregnancy hormones don't turn me into a crazy person." My amusement sobers quickly. "And assuming we do get him back and this pregnancy doesn't kill me…" Steve grabs my shoulders tightly- if I was a normal human it would probably hurt.

"You listen to me right now. Seven months from now you and that niece or nephew of mine are going to both be perfectly healthy and happy. In a few hours Banner's going to come and make sure of it and _none_ of us are going to let anything happen to either of you. We'll find Buck and the two of you will get that happily ever after you deserve, raising your kid _together_. I swear to you." I sigh and stand up; pulling out of his grip.

"You know, my mom is a romantic, flighty dreamer. She used to say that mine and Clint's stubbornness and practicality drove her insane and sometimes it was hard to believe she was related to the both of us. But in this case…Clint's been stubborn as all hell but he's refusing to be practical- he's being a dreamer and so is Laura. The fact is, for all we know this kid could very well kill me in the next few months whether you all want to accept it or not. Super-soldier serum plus biological changes by freaky alien technology means I'm not what you'd consider a normal human anymore and honestly, neither is Jimmy. Bucky, whatever.

"The whole _point_ of me getting pregnant was that it was an experiment. It was so HYDRA could get a tripply-super-powered human out of it that they could raise in the perfect image of HYDRA. And as long as they got that who cared if it killed me along the way? I was replaceable."

"Felicity, you can't really believe there's no hope."

"I'm not saying there's no hope, Steve. I mean for all I know the experiments done on us will have done absolutely nothing in terms of offspring- she or he could turn out to be a completely average person. _Or_ it could be born with blue skin, claws, and a prehensile tail. _That's_ my point - we don't _ know_. I realized a long time ago that just because the impossible is actually possible, doesn't mean we should _expect_ the impossible. Sooner or later everyone else will need to realize that too. Hopefully I'm alive when you do but you said it yourself: I'm not afraid of death, Steve."

"And if being pregnant with this child does mean your death, then what do you expect from the rest of us?" I give him a wry smile.

"Then I expect you're all going to have to make damn sure HYDRA pays for it because I was really excited about being alive again." He gives a soft chuckle and shakes his head before looking at me sadly.

"You know, Felicity, I'm starting to wonder if you're more than just _unafraid_ of dying…" I roll my eyes and sit back down across from him.

"If that's you asking if I'm suicidal-"

"-No. Not suicidal. More that you're…extremely _accepting_ of it. I'm just not sure if that's a good thing or not." I pause for a moment trying to find a way to explain to him how I've come to see things.

"A person diagnosed with cancer has two choices: fight the cancer or accept death. If I was told I had cancer I would fight tooth and nail to live as long as I could but I would want to _live_ too. I wouldn't want my last few days to be stuck in a hospital bed struggling pointlessly for something I'd never get. If there's one thing I've learned over the last four years it's that life is precious. I will fight as hard as possible to get everything I can from it but if all I can get is a month or two than I want more from it than just the fight. Fighting to live is all well and good, Steve, but not at the expense of actually living." Steve Rogers looks thoughtful at my words.

"…I've never known life to be anything other than a fight," he admits.

"I think that's true for everyone to an extent but your life hasn't exactly been that of the average citizen, Captain Rogers. Neither has mine and certainly not Tasha's or Ji-Bucky's. In my case, if I choose to fight it's going to be a fight that _I_ choose. For too long my life and my battles were dictated by other people and that's never going to happen again- whether my life is six months or sixty years." I pause for a moment. "Maybe that's the key to both living life and fighting for it- by choosing your own fights instead of taking the ones the world pushes upon you." Steve nods slowly.

"In that case, what do you say we fight for you and Bucky?" I smile a little and place a hand on my stomach for just a moment.

"Sounds worth it to me." Bucky's best friend smiles and stands.

"I'll let you finish eating. And you should get some rest before Banner comes." I roll my eyes at that.

"If one more person tells me to 'get some rest' I'm going to start screaming into a pillow," I mutter. Steve just chuckles as he leaves Clint's office and closes the door behind him.

...

(A few hours later)

"I know nausea isn't abnormal for me lately but could you stop pacing, Laura? Cause it's making it worse and this is the first time in 2 weeks that I've kept down two meals in one day."

For the last twenty minutes Natasha, Steve, Clint, Laura, and I have been in the living room waiting for Bruce Banner's arrival. Luckily, Casey and Lila are back at school today so their parents didn't have to find a way to get rid of them during his visit. Currently, Clint is next to me sharpening the same arrow for way too long, Tasha is on the other side of me pretending to read some files on the Senate hearings, Steve is sitting across from us pretending to read the newspaper, and Laura has openly given up distracting herself and chosen to pace back and forth for the last ten minutes. At my annoyed statement Laura stops her pacing and finally sits back down though she seems reluctant to do so.

"I'm sorry. I'm just nervous and I hate all this waiting." I shrug and send her a sarcastic smile.

"Hey, look on the bright side; if I'm going to die, at least you'll have fair warning this time."

At my words three people (Natasha, Clint, and Laura) smack me at once on the head (Clint), wrist (Laura), and shoulder (Nat). Steve just glares at me across the table. I pout at the three who hit me causing Natasha and Laura to roll their eyes and my cousin to growl,

"You say something like that one more time and I'll hide every piece of electronic in this house and lock you in your room, Kid."

I open my mouth to make a smart-ass comment about him telling me what to do but get interrupted by a loud knock at the door. The other four adults besides me rush to door- apparently walking isn't good enough for people anymore. Steve gets there first and he opens the door to a kindly-faced man around Clint's age- maybe a bit younger- with curly hair and a surprisingly calm demeanor for a guy whose known world-wide for his rage issues. After Bruce Banner greets his fellow Avengers, Clint introduces Laura and I. Laura waves with a smile and greets him in the sweet-Laura way of hers. Lastly Dr. Banner turns to me and offers his hand to me and I shake it firmly. A firm handshake is what you're supposed to do to make a good impression, right?

"It's good to meet you, Ms. Smoak."

"You too, Dr. Banner. And just Felicity, please." He nods in agreement and I pause for a moment before asking, "So, um, how much did my cousin tell you? About me and the whole…situation, I mean." Banner glances at Clint before answering in that succinct but kind tone that shows he's an experienced doctor.

"I know that you were enhanced by a HYDRA version of Erskine's serum as well as by Loki's scepter which gave you electricity abilities. And I know that I was asked to check on you because you're pregnant and not sure how everything will affect you or the baby." Dr. Banner looks uncomfortable for a moment before adding, "And I'm aware of who the, uh, father is." I nod and clear my throat.

"As you can probably guess I'm, um, not a big fan of people examining me so, you know, just out of curiosity and all, what…um, what are you going to do to me?" I ask, doing my best to keep the fear out of my voice. From the sympathetic look in Bruce's eyes and the tensing of the others in the room, I'm not quite as successful as I'd hoped.

"I'll check on everything in the least invasive way possible, Felicity. Given your unique situation I want to be thorough but if you're too uncomfortable with anything just let me know." I take a shallow breath and nod.

"So, since we don't exactly have a lab in this house, is Felicity's room upstairs going to be alright, Banner?" asks Clint with his own attempt at casualness.

"That should be fine. I brought along the equipment I thought was necessary- it's in the car I drove here."

"I'll go get it," says Steve. Before he takes more than two steps toward the door, though, Dr. Banner says tell to him.

"Steve, hold on a moment." Steve stops and looks to Banner questioningly as do the rest of us. "Before we start Felicity's, uh, check-up, I'd like to get a sample of your blood."

"Mine? Why?"

"Barnes' enhancement serum might not be exactly the same as yours but it'll have some of the same components. Felicity's enhancements are a diluted version but to figure out some of the possible effects on the pregnancy and the fetus I'd like to see how they mix and since I don't have a sample of Barnes' blood, yours is the closest we can get. Hopefully Erskine's serum on you and HYDRA's serum on Barnes are close enough that I can get a good idea of how it'll have mixed in the fetus since Felicity isn't far enough along that I can take a prenatal sample from the child itself." Steve nods.

"Of course. Anything I can do to help."

"Good," states Dr. Banner with a short nod. He looks back to me. "We'll be back in just a few minutes with my equipment and then we'll get started."

I just nod and the three men in the room head outside. As Clint passes, he gives me a brief squeeze on my shoulder and I give him a brief smile in return for his attempt at comfort. Then I turn around and head upstairs with Natasha and Laura following me in silence. When we get upstairs my cousin's wife and his best friend wordlessly let me go into my room and change into the bathrobe that Laura's lent me the past week. When I'm done I let them in the room and we lay out sheets and stuff on the bed and clear spaces for

"Um, Laura? Tasha?" I interrupt the silence.

"Yes, sweetie?" asks Laura as Natasha simply raises her brows in response. I bite my lip for a moment before asking in as casual a voice as I can,

"I don't, um, I mean I'm fine by myself but…would you guys stay with me during the exam?" I don't particularly like the look of understanding in Natasha's eyes or the sympathy in Laura's at that but I'd expected it.

"Of course, Felicity," says Laura.

"Whatever you need," adds Nat.

...

The exam starts out okay for the most part. The only hiccup happens when Dr. Banner puts a needle in my arm for the first time to draw blood and I act without thinking- reflexively throwing a punch at him. Luckily he manages to duck quickly enough and doesn't go all Hulk on us. It's not until the vaginal ultrasound (since I'm not far enough along for the non-invasive one) that I really can't help but freak out.

"Sorry! Sorry, sorry," I say after accidentally/defensively shoot out a strong bolt of electricity that over-power's every piece of electricity not just in the room but, (from Clint and Steve's surprised exclamations downstairs), in the whole house.

"It's alright, Felicity," comments Bruce in that kind, calm doctor-voice. "After your experiences over the past several years I think we all expected a few, uh, bumps to occur this first time. It was my fault- I should've talked you through it."

It takes about fifteen minutes then for us all to fix the power-outage problem and set things back up. And this time when Dr. Banner does the ultrasound thing, Laura and Tasha hold my hands through it. I start to panic, though, when I notice the face Bruce Banner is making at the image of the baby (which is currently turned away from me).

"What? What is it? What's that frowny face for?" Banner shakes his head but the frown doesn't leave as he turns from his screen back to me.

"Do you know what the conception date was?"

"N-not specifically. I just know that two weeks before I escaped HYDRA checked and I wasn't."

"And what day was it that you escaped?"

"March 6th." Dr. Banner's frown deepens and that does absolutely nothing for my nerves.

"Bruce, what the hell's going on?" asks Tasha with her own impatience seeping through her voice. Bruce Banner clears his throat and tells us and Laura,

"Given that the conception could not have been more than 7 weeks ago, according to Felicity, than what I'm reading for how old the fetus is…doesn't make sense." Laura, Natasha, and I stare at Bruce Banner blankly for a moment.

"Y-Are you trying to tell me I'm more pregnant than I should be?"

"Basically…yes. I don't know enough yet to say why or how but while your child appears perfectly healthy and, well, normal for lack of a better word…you're 12 weeks pregnant, Felicity."

"So…everything's fine but she just has a sped-up pregnancy? Is it because of the electricity thing?" asks Tasha while Laura and I just stare at the doc.

"That's one of my theories though I'm sure a bit more complicated. And yes, from what I can tell she and the baby are both fine just…the development is faster than normal." Dr. Banner pauses and looks at some of his notes then asks me,

"Did you ever see any records the HYDRA scientists might've kept about you?"

"I, um, no, but I…well, I have them. They were included in the information I downloaded into my mind on my way out of that place. I haven't tried going through them though." Bruce glances between us confused.

"Um…what?"

"Clint didn't tell you about the other part of Felicity's electricity abilities?" asks Laura. Banner shakes his head.

"I…part of the enhancement from the scepter thing was that my mind sort of became…computerized and now I can "download" all the data from an electrically powered object into my mind and store it and analyze it. It's really hard to explain but, suffice it to say that everything the HYDRA facility I was in had stored in their computers is now in my head."

"That's…incredible," exclaims the doc after a moment of staring at me in surprise. I purse my lips at his thoughts on the subject though.

"'Incredible' isn't the word I'd use," I state in a bland tone that echoes none of my anger on the subject. However, Bruce Banner, Natasha, and Laura all get my meaning. Dr. Banner clears his throat a bit uncomfortably.

"Well, than would you be able to go through the data about the experiments on you with Loki's scepter?" I nod in agreement though I'm definitely not looking forward to it.

"Okay. Could you tell me what I'm looking for first so that I don't have to linger on those files very long?"

"Anything about changes in your body after you stabilized."

Given that my mind can run as fast as a super computer and that I know the variable within the data to search for, it takes only about 5 seconds for me to run through the hundreds of files in my mind. And yet, it's 5 seconds too long to look back at all of HYDRA's work and investments. Soon enough though, I find something useful and I read off (and somehow translate from Russian) the report that I've focused on.

"'As of the 13th of November in the year 2013, Subject XX305 is finally stable both mind and body, though subject's enhancements. To be noted: body temperature has increased two degrees since experimentation began. This brings current body temperature to 100.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Temperature level appears to do no harm to Subject XX305 and is likely a result of the electricity created by the subject.' Well that makes sense," I say when I'm done stating what the file said- though it took a second to orient myself back to the present and out of all the gigabytes of data stored in my mind. "If my body creates and controls electrical energy, it'd make sense that my body temperature would increase since the creation of electrical currents creates heat as well."

"Quite," mutters Dr. Banner. "Do any of the records say whether that held consistent?" Once again I reluctantly run through the files in my mind that those sicko scientists kept on me. This time it's faster (taking me about .5 milliseconds instead of 5 seconds) because I know what range of files to look in. Again, I read off a bit of a report on my progress:

"'After two months, Subject XX305 is consistent in stability of mind and body, though body temperature is still at 100.6 degrees Fahrenheit. Still, there are no signs of the increase of temperature having negative effects on the subject.'"

"Hmm. And yet…when I took your temperature it was 97.8 degrees Fahrenheit."

"So what does that mean for Felicity and the baby?" asks Laura worriedly.

"Well, as I said, so far the baby seems to be developing fine and so far Felicity hasn't had any unusual symptoms regarding the pregnancy. My theory is that with how Loki's scepter changed Felicity's body and the energy enhancements it gave her, she likely has passed along some of the energy-creation abilities to her child. You see, if the fetus is creating extra energy within themselves the way Felicity does, that could account for the increased speed of development. It could also be why Felicity's body temperature decreased when before the creation of energy had caused her normal body temperature to be at a higher level than the average human. Women's bodies are designed to adapt to a growing fetus and, my theory, is that your child's normal body temperature is also higher than average so to be sure the fetus doesn't overheat, your body naturally decreased it's heat."

"But, bottom line then is that Felicity and the baby are going to be alright. Right, Banner?" asks Natasha.

"I have to do more research and Felicity and I should keep consistent check-ups. But, from what I've determined at the moment, even though this won't be a normal pregnancy and some unusual symptoms could likely occur, I think that in the end everyone will be just fine," finishes the doctor with a smile. Natasha and Laura both grin at his words and Laura even has tears of relief in her eyes.

For my part…I just look at Bruce Banner in a bit of a daze. Honestly…I don't know what to feel at hearing those words. I'm certainly relieved and happy that my child- Jimmy's child- is going to be okay. But at the same time, a part of me was more afraid of everything being fine than being told that this pregnancy was going kill me. I'd never say it out loud because I know my family would kill me for it, but the truth is that ever since I realized I was pregnant, the idea of dying for this child felt…deserved. Like it would be penance for all the pain and darkness I've caused because of HYDRA.

"Felicity?" I shake out of my daze at Natasha's voice and hand on my shoulder. Clearing my throat I ask them,

"Could, um, could I be alone for a bit? I mean, if this exam thing is over with? I just…I need to process…things." Nat's expression, just as it had been when I'd asked her and Laura to stay with me during the exam, is full of understanding as is Bruce's. Laura seems a bit reluctant to leave me but I've come to expect that of both her and Clint over the past few days.

"Of course," says Banner. "I'll just clean things up and I can give your cousins instructions about everything. And we can set up another time to check on the two of you in a little while." I nod.

"Thank you, for everything, Dr. Banner." He shakes his head.

"You don't need to thank me- I'm happy to help, Felicity. I'm always glad when it's me and not the 'other guy' who gets to help someone."

I look at Clint's friend and can't help but feel a sudden understanding and connection with him. Here's this guy who devoted his life to helping people and, because of one experiment gone wrong, he turned into someone he doesn't want to be. And even though he can help people by being the Hulk, it's not the life he'd choose and it's not the person he wants to be. On a whim I stand up from the bed and hug him briefly. I've clearly surprised him.

"Thank you," I reiterate, after stepping back. He nods and, surprisingly, blushes a little bit. He turns away then and starts gathering his equipment up.

"We'll go tell the boys the good news," states Tasha. "That is, if Cap hasn't been eavesdropping and they already know everything."

"And I'll get some of that ginger tea for you in a little bit," adds Laura.

"Alright," I respond- not really knowing what else to say to them or feeling like coming up with anything more. With my lack of response, Nat goes over and helps Dr. Banner finish gathering things up and Laura heads out after giving me a kiss on the cheek.

When they're all out of the room I look out the window and my eyes land on the blue bird nest in the tree just outside. The mother bird is orienting some twigs around her eggs- ensuring they're safe and warm until they're ready to come into this world. Unlike me, that bird knows exactly what she needs to do to be a mother. I think back over the conversation I had with Steve in Clint's office and slowly place a hand on my stomach.

Maybe…maybe Steve is wrong on why I survived. It wasn't because I wanted to live for others over myself…maybe it was because some needed me to live. I think I'm right that I didn't deserve to live but maybe…maybe I _needed_ to because someone else did deserve to live and they need me. I glance over to the desk where a stack of paper sits. I walk over and start writing a letter to one of the two people who needs me to live:

Dear Jimmy,

I'm going to find you. And I'm going to fight for us. Whatever I have to do to bring us back together- to see you again and for you to know our son or daughter- I'll do it. No matter what Steve, Natasha, or my family says, I don't know if I'm deserving of you or this baby or even being alive so I'm not going to fight for myself. But you and our child are deserving of a family and I'm going to fight for that.

I might not be worth fighting for, but my family is. And you, James Barnes, will forever be my family.

...I miss you.

-Твоя красота

* * *

 ** _Chapter 5 Teaser:_**

 _"I'm not looking for anybody to save me."(*) Natasha shrugs._

 _"Maybe not. But you need somebody just the same.(*) Besides…you did the same for me once."_

 _ _ _(*)=__ ** _from Arrow ep. 1x04 _**_

(but Felicity/Natasha instead of Oliver/Digg)


End file.
